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Sweet Dreams & Rude Awakenings

Poetry, blogging, mental health

Bad Example

Okay, here i go….well, I have a difficult time leaving my home. Yes, i am working on it. I am just curious….i really don’t think everyone goes through the adventures that unfold before me….Umm..please speak up & share your stories w/me….i don’t want to feel so damn alone LOL

The other day i muster up the confidence to leave the house. My son is riding in the car w/me (so i have witness—ha ha) A man is laying in the middle of the the left lane as if he was midway jumping jack pattern ..[.it’s a two lane one way street]…car in front of me goes past. I slow down & come to a stop…a huge (very) big white truck is completely blocked by this man. He has a bike next to him…but we didn’t see any car around that could have struck him. [Yes, kinda leery] I yell from my car window if he’s okay!?!? He yells back at me…go the fuck around his ass….ummm, okay? Are you okay, i yell again…he growls back at me more profanities & telling me to leave him the fuck alone. So, i tell him (bad me) at least get up on the fucking sidewalk, You realize you are in the middle of the fucking road right??? He of course yelled more profanities & i retorted…well, don’t worry the cops are on their way (ouch, right?)…..i did drive away 😦 how bad am I? i had my 16 yr old son in the car?!?!? I did not feel equipped to further engage the situation; I was obviously loosing my “cool.” We have a very high number of homeless and druggies in our area (sadly so) I had my son call 911 twice (the first time they didn’t answer after letting it ring 9 times)…as i slowly pulled away (i was in the right lane) i watched the traffic slowly go around him & keep on going as well….ugh….I just didn’t know what else a woman in my position could do ….to ‘help’ the situation when I was losing my cool…idk. Bad example for my son? Idk, he called right away….and reported and left our name & number of course.
Fast forward of no days going out…..

Now, today….I leave the house & a block down I notice a really out of place jalopy of a truck in front of me….I’m a good distance behind. Doing the speed limit…I’m good. Well, then a flipping 4×4 (I assume…it was bigger than a 2×4 lol) FLIES out of his FLAT wooden truck bed. I don’t know how that happened when it didn’t look like he was carrying a load of ANYTHING [I always make a point to see if the load is secured or not]! I didn’t have time to swerve (leads me to think; I was following too close— note taken) I was busy watching it fly….and I prayed that my car would clear it…the truck behind me saw it too & was swerving…UGH…right!! Me, a little frustrated go past this truck…not looking over & get in front…I notice, in my rear view mirror, it is a seriously old beat up truck ..like one you’d see in Texas Chainsaw massacre…big front end chipped up painted grill. Dirted out white cab w/an attached wooden flat bed and that god awful grumbling sound from the motor. Anyway, I turn off the main road & head to go get my eldest & we are doing errands (he’s running in…not I, I’m in jammies— That’s another blog!) lol. We are on the other side of town & low & behold there is that truck. Again in front of us. I tell my eldest about the wood flying out & he says go past. So, I do…right…and we both look over & this guy gave us the worst chills that I haven’t felt in a very long time. His hair was brown matted stringy, and beady beady black eyes, had that ‘I work w/cars’ sheen to his skin. My son & I stared at each other w/jaws dropped as I sped up. His face was seriously distorted. Like his nose didn’t fit. I’m sorry, but right now, I am limited in my descriptive wordage LOL We even saw him a third time on a side road about to turn back onto the main road, in the direction we were now traveling, as I was heading to drop my son off. But the guy in the cab turned his head right when we were passing. Weird, my son said…he must have dropped something and I said yeah but it wasn’t the same guy but same truck…he agreed….…we both were looking intently. UGH…lol We could tell just by the side of his head & hair it wasn’t the same guy….but just creepy….we joked about how they were fishing since none has passed down their dirt road…awful, right???

See why I don’t leave my house??

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I Just Planted A Seed; If You Read

The ghastly rich
The ghostly poor
Not knowing which is, worse;
Anymore!

Such a crime committed against family
Under the guise of equal opportunity
None the wiser; could they see, the corrupt deed
Devised by such evil and unadulterated greed

Empty are, all, the homes
Kids walking in, all alone
Never is it seen as a crime
Both parents haven’t the time

Femininity, no longer seen as a Queen
No longer home to nurture the offspring(s)
-Go out there & work like a [male worthy] machine!-
-We’ll tax your value & your children’s too-
-Which child care could you afford to do?-
-Are you filing head of household & alone, too?-

Masculinity to suppress emotion & show no ill duress
No longer the bread winner; they will openly confess
-Feed men lies, as long as, it’s w/an order of titties & fries-
-Let them believe they have the biggest cock/brain, in size-
-Keep men thriving to capitalize ties for advancing strides-

Menacing humans; mastering the manipulation of genes
Playing god(s), some might seem to believe
-Altering foods DNA and poisoning the drinking waters-
[still, today]
-Chemtrails out in the open on national display-
-All, branded & coded as indentured slaves-

You must be a holy roller?
Are you from a wealthy line?
How can you say such things?
We are doing what we can to survive!

Divorced & disgraced lingers to most(s) distastes
Deviously destroyed the whole, as a unit
Devalued it’s once high upheld place
Now we are dealing w/children of such displaced fate
[ones raised by filling in someone’s time card space]

Built this foundation on honor & pride [stuffed w/horrendous lies]
Some of us can see through the wool over our eyes
We are here to share our knowledge;
Anyway we can contrive! 🙂

Even if received with vacant glares
Others dropping down their stares
Vocal tones to slowly twist w/hate
Mr. Smith(s) & I, have a date
….
To whisper and to hiss, right in my face…
“Lies & you only speculate; what a disgrace,
Shut up your face & just vaccinate!!”
{I say, checkmate…hahaha}

What Makes Her; So, Rare?

Is she….
that mystic……
everyone…so…
..…..doth……
…..stare?
Is
She that
……….myth
You so…………………
….………….did dream?
Yet, did get too scared?

Where did she come from?
So different, more than the most
Surfacing during your turbulent events
What guided you, into her arms, to repent?

“Guided by false hopes into realities…
…I circumvent, a family…”?

She had spoke to you; ever so, softly
Don’t discredit what, it was, you did receive
She knew it okay, to be baffled, by her actualities

Others to quickly spin & rebuke you
If they make you ponder; to which, must be, to deceive
Force you their way, is how they believe

Everyone that doesn’t submit; must heed
They’ll cast you out as a bad seed; indeed!
Watch what, is in your spirit, you do feed…

I’ve watched this wrath unfold into the aftermath
It’s been played out, before, within hell’s halls
…..Open the doors…..
echo, echo
.…fall….

Getting along w/the other person
NEXT DOOR
Is, to Love, Respect, & Honor;
Nothing More!

Stop all the
Squaller!

Furthermore….

Knowledge to pain, has been so, scientifically proclaimed
Discrediting the other, life force, that does remain
Remnants recycled are, growing more, insane
Who the fuck, stand forth & stake this claim!

Go to the light; they all bellow to holler
Oh, be it your friend, foe, or Our Father
Your neighbor or your brother…
So,
Be it anyone, within a stones throw
That glass house, you so do live
You are clearly going miss it
….…Haha……
…Tisk,…Tisk…

How the fuck did ya’ll get so mucked up?
Don’t you see…
How OUR four fathers did bleed

The ink was dried within
….UNITY….
That is, now, the broken key

Dividing, was their evil deed
Struggling & dying, now, in our streets
Others, stand to be, preaching their rights
God given reasons, as to why, to keep the fight
As, they are whisked to their mansions by the sea
Needing to pay the extra taxes in their (in-)humanity
I do not see a harm to come about, from such, do you?

….….He is the ultimate joker……I, jest about….

Those who can not see, are not allowed to breed…agreed?
One thing, I’ve come to know, as they scream & shout
Trying to influence our path(s) w/little to no clout
That’s so much of a chore, for a life to endure
Watching them wither with the false creeds
Wow, I bow out & I do concede……

(haha, but….not….ME!)

Are you really ready to read…me?
I’ve read your stories of what you believe
What you behold, as recorded truthful, history
I’ve also lived in ‘that’ reality, I do contrive, from what I saw
Don’t think, I’m oblivious to that type of , *AWE*
I’ve seen the symbols and the scrawls
I’ve had the red palm fronds, fawning, me all
I’ve dipped into delusions
&
Spiraled towards higher callings
Only, my mind had kept me from stalling

Stories were suddenly spawning
I could never betray
The TRUTH in
-all-
Belonging(s)

….…You see……

I’ve swallowed both pills
The red and the blue; if you will
Without mixing in alcohol or a narcotic
[I felt the need to provide that comment] lol

Now, come along….

step this way

…let’s peek in here…

~

You’re a voyeur, my dear!

(smirk, I’m sitting here …waiting for you)

Prove to me, that it is *your* god to be
It’s (t)hee, truly worthy of any said, saving?
Yikes, umm..I fink sum people’s read the wording wrong-ly
Actually, twisting verses to fit what it is in their wantings

I fear to believe, dat…troof, just might, confine you……….too!

They are willing to take their lives and ours too…me & you
Why such a world seething, around it’s rims, w/vile sins?
Faith, to so betray, being built on a foundation; give way!

Rotting with our original sins; human decay
Offering praise & for guidance on their way
To that catastrophe of a fatal day

It’ll behoove you
If you will…
It is now your turn…….
Tell me a tale, what you’re willing, to spill…

Is it, of the blood
Of
Young men
Or
Is it of
The free,
Good
Will
?

Your turn to spin your quill

A’dieu to you

INDIGNITY

This is a very long blog….I think a whole cigarette worth!?!?! If you can manage your way through my awful language of display (smirk) I am a little bit of a quirk. And, by me, purging all this has actually made my heart feel “lighter” for the moment…..therapy worked! (lol)

It’s my, I…guess….detailed, recollection of when my first child came into this world. My experience of the two day ordeal and what was to follow as a welcome home 😉

To be true, something has bothered me; for a lot of years. Something I’ve tried to reach resolve w/those involved (just my bio mother) w/no success in the past. I have felt so insulted & teased over a very intense ordeal….even invalidated [I, guess]. So, I will try to share it w/you & maybe you can see where it all went wrong…..

It was April 14th 1992 & I was admitted to the hospital when my ultrasound, of my first child, was not showing up due to there being no, yes..I said NO, amniotic fluid present. I was full term; due anyday.

[[backlog: I went in on April 9th 1992, to the same hospital, w/concerns of me “leaking”. I was sent home, told I was not in labor, and have been accidentally ‘pee-ing’. I guess I didn’t look smart enough [mere 20yrs old] to know the difference; since It was my first pregnancy……so, @ home I sat for the next 5 days!!]]

So, there I was in the hospital, watching everyone hook me up to monitors and inform me that they are going to be inducing labor; I was a bit scared but ready for the task (well, no choice -haha). I called my (bio) mother & she raced up to the hospital, it was 1/2 hour away for her, she was my only support in the delivery room.

April 14th comes to a close [around 7pm] A lot of progressing pain, yet, still no baby & no major dilation going on what so ever and my attending Dr. stopped the induction & said we’ll start again tomorrow. He ‘joked’ he wanted to go home for dinner. I was, at that point, exhausted & thought it to be a good idea to stop the pain, sure! That’s not how it went down. They stopped the labor induction meds & my back ache/pain lasted throughout the night. I was wanting to move around and walk but they wouldn’t let me out of my bed due to how many things where hooked up all over the place on me & around me [confinement; my worse adversary].

Being awake for well over 24 hours, April 15th 1992 comes to light & I’m exhausted at this point but I know I have a lot ahead of me. The night was terribly long & lonely [no one was with me, my mother had left when the Dr. stopped the induction meds]. She kissed me and told me she’d see me the next day.

Well, at 7:30 AM my attending Dr. walked into my room & performs an exam & unbeknownst to me was planning on breaking my amniotic sac; since, it still had not “ruptured” on it’s own & I was only slightly dilated. Next thing I see, he’s holding up a HUGE [yes, HUGE], what looked to be, a long plastic crochet hook. He tells me, just then, that his next step is inserting that nasty looking plastic monstrosity inside me & bursting the baby’s amniotic sac. I tell him to wait a second & I frantically call my mother to let her know & then I bit down (lol). I feel the pressure & then a slight trickle ran onto the bed padding. It was so little that the bed pad didn’t even need changed & he quickly told the nurse to start the labor induction meds but at a stronger dosage. I don’t know if they used anything else, to maybe help me dilate, but there was a lot of activity between my legs that I wasn’t being told about. Wires screwed into my child’s head; inside me, for example, mind you. I was told about that after they did it.

My mother shows up shortly & [I hope, she was trying her best.] she had birthed 4 children; so, I figured she’d know best, right? She was w/me through the growling and constant complaint that I wanted up to walk. I was getting very, I’d assume, angry that I couldn’t be up to walk. My mother insisted that they let me up…I lasted a few short steps & then was crippled back into the bed….precariously so.

It’s now 11am I, openly, had turned into a raving lunatic from the relentless pain starting the day prior. The back pain was absolutely unbearable (I made it…so, that’s an exaggeration. lol) I had felt no frontal contractions at all; Like I had been told I would feel. It ALL generated from my back. My Dr. Walks in and he tells me that I need to “SETTLE DOWN” in a very stern condescending tone & mannerism. I, yes..not bright idea, growled at the Dr. to FUCK OFF and out the door he went. I do believe, that Dr.’s uncaring mannerism is the main reason why he had me suffer badly w/the pain. Since it was a dry labor alone, should have been grounds for c-section. I was never offered an epidural at any point, either (I didn’t know about them; that’s how naive I was going into this) My mother, at this point, had lightly tapped the center of my forehead & told me to “focus” up there. I was literally growling and hissing a lot (lol). What do I do; you might ask? I start forcefully hitting the center of my forehead with my index finger & spraying the words,
“FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!” [didn’t work]

See, I was a handful!

They were telling me to push w/each contraction & I felt NONE; so, couldn’t! All I kept feeling was this excruciatingly horrible back pain that did NOT let up. My mother, at her wits end w/me, tells the nurse to get me some pain meds. The nurse explains that we are beyond the epidural and to continue w/natural. My mother, then, DEMANDS the nurse to give me something for pain.

It’s nearing 11:30 am and a nurse walks in & tells us that she is going to give me darvocet (sp) …oh boy…..they put that in my IV. Now, not only am I with horrendous back pain; I’m vomiting/dry heaving [haven’t eaten for several hours] every other minute.

My child was, STILL, not budging. [Remember, no amniotic fluid…who here knows what it’s like for dry labor? I do, I do, raising hand] I was, still, not fully dilated either but my unborn child was starting to show a few signs of distress. I suddenly hear, “Oh, good…the baby is crowning! LOOK!” Like a dumbass, I did! I looked into the mirror, that was positioned between my legs, & saw something HORRIFIC! I know, I know….birth is beautiful. I am just expressing wholeheartedly/honestly my reaction; at that time. I saw this “thing’s reflection in that stupid mirror” between my legs that was hairy & stretching me to kingdom come & the pain had, just then, broke my threshold. I recall, seconds after being mortified, laying my head back on the bed & I hear how the baby is stuck in my birthing canal & not getting oxygen. An urgency started to fill the room & more nurses poured in. One nurse even started to push on my rock hard stomach, I had no energy left & just laid there. Then, I hear that my child’s heart rate is accelerating to very dangerous levels & is still depraved of oxygen. At that moment, my heart rate plunged to 50bpm in active hard labor. I was slipping and so was my child. I see all the commotion flooding my view and hear one last thing, “THE BABY …is STUCK, we need the DOCTOR. She’s CRASHING!!

At that point, I do not recall my mother but look to my left and see hospital staff rushing in with extra medical contraptions & carts. In a state of delirium(?) I turn my head to my right, where it was absent of worried faces, & can see outside. We were on the 4th floor of the hospital. Everything looked so ‘crisp/clean’ & it was very bright sunlight & colors so VIVID. The majestic bodies of some evergreen trees covering up some of the bright blue sky. All sounds ceased to exist around me. I ‘knew’ there was a whole slue of people that had rushed into the room and I still knew I was in active labor, that was taking a crash for the worst…but the pain subsided & I was in a very peaceful state (granted, here, I was slipping away) I was not focusing on anything, per se, but it’s like…. everyone vanished from around me (even me) and I was still conscious, just void of people & noises; blissfulness! A stillness/serenity…if you will.

[While I was out] 12:00 PM The Dr., made his way to my room, grabs a pair of metal (tongs) forceps [after much damage. They didn’t give me an episiotomy; I had tore horribly, almost through my sphincter muscle.] and pulls my child’s head out of the birthing canal only to stop, at the shoulders, because the cord was wrapped around their neck 2x’s and could not pull them out any further. I can only guess, the pain of the child’s shoulders breaching was pretty intense (I wouldn’t know…lol) He stopped & cut around the cords & freed my child. As soon as my child was “forcibly” removed from me my heart rate went right back up and my child’s distress subsided, as well.

I came back into my body & I recall seeing my mother grabbing my child out of the Dr’s hands and was holding my baby (yes, before me or the nurses). I saw staff shuffling out of the room w/their emergency equipment.  I then realize I’m laying completely butt naked on the table, for the world to see! The Dr., then removed the placenta and it had degraded to the 3rd degree (ie: rotten) Due to the condition of the placenta, the Dr. voices how, he has no clue of when the last time my child had eaten. The nurse gently takes my child out of my mothers arms & places my newborn onto my bare chest to nurse. All the staff, that had been involved, came back to congratulate me & were amazed on how perfect my little one was considering how traumatic the delivery was for the both of us.

5 lbs even 12:08 PM

At one time..my child carried my mothers name as a 2nd name but used as first. No longer is that true. My child carries “their own” name change.

When I came home w/my, first newborn, child; I was belittled and made fun of about the ordeal that I went through. My mother had all ready spread a story, around the family vine, of how absolutely horrific I was at handling the pain. Not, how hard it was at natural birth [till the darvocet: which just worsened everything for the last 1/2 hour] But how much spit hit her face when I was saying “focus” and hitting myself. The mention of me cursing the Dr. but no mention of how the Dr. had horrible bedside manner. She proclaimed, at that time, she would NEVER go back into another delivery [which, was a partial truth…she never went to my second child’s birth but did attend other relatives births—just not my second child’s because I was so horrible]. She never mentioned how I was having heart arrest & how they were prepping me for the paddles. Not how my child was stuck in the birthing canal depraved of oxygen to dangerous levels & how they had to rush in a crash cart & the delivery issues w/the cord….& how it was strictly back labor & DRY labor for that fact & had to use forceps to extract my child. Hey, how about, lastly that I had been in labor for 2 days w/no rest or sustenance…(shrug)
[Dr.s now do c-section…I don’t wonder why]

I felt/feel so berated/jaded and my feelings were so hurt & denounced by your own mother in being a “pussy” when, in fact, I almost died; right along w/my child.

I continued to withdraw ……..and beat myself down that I was not worthy of being so heroic to get through that serious of tribulation when my child was welcome into this world. I was, in fact…made out to be, just a pussy as she’d have you believe as she retold the story.
(sigh, what’s it’s like being me) …..

I didn’t realize how long this got. I am surprised if you’ve read this far. I think you’d deserve a medal of some kindz. LOL. If you did, by hapstance, of course….read this far……let me know 🙂

I have been needing to purge stories I haven’t openly shared…….thank you for ‘listening’ to me.

Dobbie & Me

Walking down the isle of a drug store…I see a dog. He is wearing the markings of rottie but has the body of a Shepard/Lab mix. It was a boy, from the sense in my dream, & he was holding a leash in his mouth…he was an extremely happy puppy, for, it was written all over his face & the intelligence shined through his eyes. He was hopping up & down [Not jumping & if I had to guess, I’d say 7 months old]….I kept walking & he back stepped/hopped to stay in front of me.  We danced for a spell & at this point I was near the cash registers & front of the store. He then brought up his paws up to my chest. He didn’t jump but, like, he held out his hands for me to clasp. I was nervous & hesitant but did start to & then I realized what he was about to do & I let go of his paws, It was too late…he was already PEEing ON ME!! HE DID!!!! I started to laugh & telling him to stop & [mind you this is a dream] his smile got wider & then he got back down on all four. There were a group of people gathered around….I clearly said, as I looked myself over, “Who wants to hug me now?” laughing, as I’m drenched with doggie pee dripping down the whole front of me. Amongst the crowd a man, who resembled my friend “Ron” (big guy), stepped forward & walked up to me & gave me a huge bear hug; it wasn’t Ron for this man was much taller (sorry Ron–You know you’ll always be a dear friend to me!!). When that man let go of his, seemingly, caring embrace; I looked to the left of the store & in the back stood my ex, kinda shadowed but staring in disbelief.

 

Funny side note: I thought I was writing out Rottie & Me for the title…why it turned up Dobbie & Me…idk? I think (as you can tell) i’ll keep it for the title 🙂  I have been pondering about a pup……just not ready for the intense attention (i guess)

Hope you have a most wonderful day….I have business to take care of & already feel exhausted. When i get home ….crashing is on my list of things to do.

TrainWreck’ed

My past so riddled with pain, abuse, rape, and used
from the beginning; before I could grow. My psyche, knowingly, damaged as PTSD is my baggage. Even in my old age; I still am haunted, in so many ways. Don’t expect me to always, be rational.

Understand, what you see is the shell; inside is…. a living…. fucking….. hell. Growing into an adult with boundaries, so vast & wide, because my self esteem, long ago, died. Overstimulated to the max when trying to do simple tasks. My disorders seem to be getting worse the longer this body works. Trying to raise two kids, has been one hell of a plight. I feel sorrow/shame for them/myself to never have had a male role model. I’m not trying to typecast or play the woe’s me card [it was my decision to stay single after my divorce & never involved any male into our lives. I did not trust my judgement], it’s a reality for the psyche to fully develop, is through both parents nurturing the child, that is what I believe is needed. Breaks my heart; yet, I tow the line the best I can 😦

I have learned so much by raising my children. They have been my only positive driving force when everyone else has left me or one’s who’ve hurt me [extended family] to the point that I (physically, while they are alive) don’t look back. Oh, but bless their sweet little souls, I get to have the remembrance still take hold…If I haven’t told you recently, good job; well done!! I will remember you when you die & it won’t be for fun…kudos on scarring me so badly that I’m so full of self loathing & feeling unworthy….still, to this day..

Hear me out, don’t get me wrong, I’m not casting blame for ME not feeling to BELONG. I’m just stating facts of the ramifications of a step-parent going beyond just beating my ass & a father who threw me away. I was too much; I’d like to say. I know to be born from the sparkle of vengeance twinkling in my mother’s eyes….when she slept w/her first husband’s brother….& I was the detestable surprise. That ‘brother’ married her quick & took on his brother’s 3 daughters and (now) ex-wife as his life’s quest. She broke his heart, scooped up her 4 kids and left.

Please excuse me; if you do not understand me.

I close for now….

More Cliff Notes

I am an open book; to those, few, who know me…

My cur(s)e is to share…

[please excuse the commas, semi-colons, & err’s…….I don’t spare lol]

Some of the topics to get on…oh, how, we dare….in-depth conversations from so many different views & some very rare.  Always fun to compare & share. That’s when I came up w/the saying…

“A curious mind is never lonely,”

…Isn’t that true? If people don’t get you; you can turn to a book or two.
[I probably read it somewhere…I am always fearful, in my thinking, it’s not “my original,” only to realize where I read it or not…..either way, I hope not; in this case. lol]

One particular interest of mine, is the mind. I am fascinated by the physiology, consciousness,  unconsciousness, and the spirituality to bloom by studying the mind; to just name a few. I was introduced to therapy/psychotherapy at about 7 yrs of age. My first memory is of “them” hooking me up to the electrodes & that skull cap….told me to use my imagination & picture white puffy clouds w/a bright blue sky. I see it for a flash then, it fades out of memory; tucked deep in my mind.  Anyway…That is what had peeked my interest, throughout all this time, is my mind. It has beat me bloody, drown in the deepest crevasses of the underground, trying to get me to ‘give’ my life; spilling blood w/a razor or knife.  I also know, the kiss of bliss & the feeling of eternal love from ‘above.’  The severity of shifts, it’s kind of hard to miss…makes me, to this day, feel so inadequately equipped. That is why you can find me, in my mind…researching how to stop the rewind!

I, more recently, have stood up to speak about my mental illness and what it is, I do think! Not always so nice. I know one person, close to me right now, that knows my ‘list’; for sure, of my diagnoses. It isn’t anything I’ve kept secret from anyone close to me. It is an area of discombobulated grey matter [pun intended] bombarded by ‘bad’ genes & a childhood filled w/intense abuse. IE: I’m kind of batshit crazy & my memory sucks. Do you see how that might be kind of hard throwing those things into convo, but me bloggin’ my diagnoses is possible…lol (I’ve had this account for many years)

Now, it’s your turn to read an “over-share” [if you continue…to care…..] A little sip, if you will, into my mind’s wine, sweetly aged at this time….of what the Dr.’s have claimed to find.

I am, as of currently, a very tired 46 yr old woman who has been, for a ba~zillion years, diagnosed with:

Bipolar 1
PTSD/childhood abuse & trauma
Borderline personality
Panic attacks
Anxiety (social phobia)
Insomnia
Sleep disorder(s)
Migraines
Brain lesions
DID had been on it as well; recently

Do I agree w/all diagnoses…NO! Firstly, I have a hard time when I can not “see” the biological abnormalities/mutations exposing a disorder/illness/disease of the mind.  Plus, one disorder could mimic or even trigger a symptom to flare & then work off the other. I know I have PTSD and a couple other  diagnoses; that I do believe. There is no denying that; as much as I’d like to. Physical evidence of abuse remains [scarred for life] I also knew, at a very young age, that the things being done to me where not only wrong but absolutely mind numbingly painful. To this day, I still don’t know, if knowing was a blessing or a curse; to be bestowed w/such knowledge, so young, at first.  I remind myself that it could have been worse.

My shame tends to berate me [I think it hates me] and tells me sourly so, I am well into an adult being [young heart; in tow] one could assume, I would…BY NOW…BE THE FUCK OVER IT, TOO!! Or at least, much further along, where I can be less triggered & reactive to things that, seem to always, go wrong. Basically strong w/a sense to belong.  >FAIL<  I thought I’d be much further. All those years, a plethora of therapists & Dr’s told me wrong; told me it got easier as long as I hold strong.  ‘Eh, at 46, not much of anything; anyone would miss. It was the wiser words that I was to, later, hear…to heed not the demons, of my soul; don’t give them access to total control. I digress, I wish to further my quest in reaching, what it is, I deem as success. To quiet the shame’s voice; to be my best & to know it’s okay to rest to reset & some of us more than less.

When I allow myself to get close to someone/and them to me [other than my children & me]. Those do know, I can’t dance nor sing but I keep it real, with no strings….Always friends to the very end. My [few] friends, that have lasted over the years, have been accepting of me [as I am] and realize I vanish at times & more of the recluse. They have been ever loving, caring, & kind…I’m not exactly sure how I got so lucky of finds. I haven’t any family, to which I could name [or point fingers; just the same], whom raised me so insane.  Both parties claim to have taken no part; they are right, I was abandoned by each of you & left to an abuser, alone, & in the dark. Where were your hearts? I can say, I have been blessed with two beautiful children that have given me reason to not take that final step. Yet, you both hurt me when you did deserted me. I never got to experience that type of ‘bond’ to a parental figure (or even an idol of any sense of the sort to speak) My parents did what they felt was best; at that time, ward of the state was better than me on the streets. I fully understand, it is VERY trying to raise one who struggles with a mental disorder; as their plight…& topped with PTSD [what a fucking lot; out-of-sight, fright].

I personally believe, it takes someone, who’s been through trauma or has a higher awareness [HSP preferably, because I am also a strong believer that, as far as intimate relationships go, it’s best to have one, of the two, a bit more ‘grounded’ in the mix  IMHO] …to be more heightened to truly grasp the ramifications of one’s stunted psyche due to trauma and mental health.  So many area’s willing for more growth needed but the ability to see beauty in the brilliant chaos & slowly breathe in. Someone to not take advantage of the naivety of such a softened heart [for some of us get pushed around, used, & further abused].  To be with someone with a mental illness/disorder, a person should be clearly conscious of the difference in ‘realities’ that could ensue. To know your loved one’s hyper-vigilant reactions to your actions/words/tones/patterns/deeds that are filtered through, so many prior years of abuse, trauma, and ugly beings to boot. An inner sense of strength, to self-preserve and protect, against any questions of feeling inept; in my thought process. I, have already, lived a life full of utter inner neglect. Rejecting my feelings as soon as I have expressed. Putting myself last, had always been, where I was kept. Giving excuses when I should have just left instead I wept. They’d need to know empathy, for it’s a huge task, in helping one to see how to adapt.  Lastly, by my experience, people that live with mental disorders tend to be highly influenced by, any kind of, emotional energy and the grass is starting to look greener on the other side. Someone willing to seek further knowledge of the reasons of, simply, BEing is when can start reasoning.

Anyway,…

I’ve always been drawn to people & things that are unique/original & my friends, tend to, have a sense of higher awareness [HSP if you will] and always wanting to learn more. They think outside the lines, but yet, that’s what gets them cast aside.  Well, that is where I’ve found to fit…amongst the gypsies & misfits…a wanderer, seeking of knowledge, laughter, & wit. I can not claim anything of a family’s seal; that I’ve come to learn to deal with. Alone to ponder, why this life? Why was it such an appealing sight? What is so precious about this flesh of us? We all eventually turn to ash & dust……

….With those last pondering thoughts; I stop…..I hope you enjoyed the ride; you’ll find the exit to the right, please 😉

 

Yet, To Be Thankful

Always told what, I was, to do
It was, so obvious, my mom really had no clue
I could never be good enough, in anything I’d do
Scorn my soft heart is what she’d do
Yet,
That’s what I have been use to
Making excuses for all’s vicious deeds
Those people that took liberties w/me
Granting too many wishes; as they’d plead
Yet,
So many writings,
Worsening of paranoid filled scrawlings
Writes of self mutilation, to come calling
Depression rising as I’m stuck stalling
Yet,
Others, more precarious
lust-filled obliging
Busting-a-nut-compilings
Seductive moons, a rising
Yet,
I’ve, also, written of you; over the few years
I fessed up, even if, my writings are not clear
What’s one to do; when you have no one to talk to?
Bantering ideas, alone; in a world I call home
Yet,
My filters of life; built by many years of being abused
What has been done; changes my views of you
I need to, conjure up my strength; like many can do
To figure out what path I’m to follow through
Yet,
No true choice, as my heart still weeps of what it is you think
Your wishes fall on deaf ears; numbed by countless years
My choices, in the end, doth dried in my ink
Yet,
Behind written words; I can’t speak
I haven’t the answers you so do seek
I am so confused & standing on the brink
Yet,
Life is a(n) (a)maze(ing-ly) state of being
Logical deducting is no longer in season
Constantly Confused; devoid of reasoning
Yet,
I, can only, strive for betterment of my serenity & life
To have a presence in guiding my children right
Embracing my insanity & not giving up the fight
Yet,
Words have been
Overly
Used
Abused
Askew’ed
Yet,
I always to remember
…too…
I, Thank You, sincerely in all you did do!
Peace Unto You

Questions For You….

If you don’t know if it’s you….answer these few….

How significant are you; to claim to know her true?
What makes you worthy of her questions wrote in ink?
Try not to over-think; you might drown and sink!

Just answer the questions [if you, so do, wish],

A little more on the emotions & less from lying lips
Open your mind & take in, what it is, I’m putting in this rhyme
Take your guard down, for, no crime has been committed
Tuck away your battle gear….it is not befitting

If you know, not, the answers;
This is not for you
…Skip this one….
&
…I’ll see you!
🙂

Otherwise,…
(buckle up, this gets long)
…to follow along…
(take that bong rip & hold on)

One might ponder the questions….

Do you comprehend, her constant why’s and heavy sigh’s?
To baffle you, as she hides in the shadows of every day?
Why do you glare, what it is, from her heart & mind; she has to share?

Why is she, wasting precious time, behind words echoing a history line?
Alone, she is, in all ways; no family to tow the line; broken away
No one to look to nor lean on….vast voids, she’s sometimes grown keen on
She picks up her pen & writes so many thoughts out on display
Trying to figure out what is the best way

Is it you?
Do you know her well enough;
…Ya think?

Let’s continue..
(don’t forget to blink)

What is it, that has coaxed her words to present?
Did you give her a compassionate caress?
Did you build her up when fevered & depressed?

Was it courtship of friendship between you two?
Did you show her things, she never knew?
Did you feed her flames of disdain or rekindle anew?
What was it, you did do, to become her muse to use?

She knows,
only you can answer these;
silently, as you are to read…

Did you lift her up, as better than the best?
Did you shower her with love, gifts & confection(s)?
Where you proud of her & took her everywhere you went?
Could you get enough of her; each day spent?

Females continued to beckon, for, she went unreckoned?
Did you stop giving comforting support, to those you use to pork?
Had you bitten off more, than what, you’d expected to chew?
Now, what are you suppose to do?

Is it you?

Carry on,
Pouring the questions
Fill your glass full
To drink in
This think
-ing

Did you show passion, with a smile & a wink?
Did you whisper sweet nothings; only lovers speak?
Did you show and tell the love, you so had professed?
Did you have her believing her being was heaven sent?

Did you captivate her soft soul; absence of control?
Where there never doubts, in your mind, to unfold?
Then why so reckless w/the love, of hers, you did hold?

Did you awaken her heart, spirit, or happenstance her body?
Possibly, touched all three; indeed, it could be?
Then, how’d you fuck it up; so horrendously?

Where your angered words, truly displaced, as you confessed?
More times than what had been truly addressed; Let’s digress,
Will actions ever replace the feelings of being disgraced?,
Those hate-filled words thrown right in her face

Silence, for now, until she can debunk all this; somehow
[I wish her the best of luck]

Her boundaries broad, but he managed to hit them all
She’s left to question every single step; he’s stepped
The strumming of her heart strings & his many peace offerings

When her children were born w/out harm
Her desire to live, was place in her arms,
Two lives to live for; her lucky charms

ONLY exception, to swallowing her pain,
To uphold her children’s names
Always to take the stance to fight,
when she feels either are attacked; outright

Her mental health, is to her, another serious crux
She will never react as a normal person conducts
Please don’t ask of her of such
Her ability to forgive & forget, is trying enough

Being in any relationship with her is rough!!
She doesn’t want her future to be so fucked up
She’s lived a lifetime w/many reasons to fall behind

She’s not wanting you to wallow & wait
While, she struggles w/the discontentment to escape
She’ll take her fate; be it the left or right gate

You’ve known this about her; from the beginning
Flooded with well intentions turned into misgivings
It no longer feels like either one is winning

…..And now you know…….
It just might be fucked, ever so…
…If her heart has given up…
&
did implode

It’s good to be in the (k)now
Good luck to
You both

I wish you the best, in all that you accomplish, in your quests

Submit your answers below:

Signed, Your Only Child…

sitting alone.jpg

It started the day you ripped me from my mothers side
A wicked deed; you tried to hurt her pride
You gave me to a vile woman on the sly
Someone you married; for what reason, I don’t know why

My memories are fogged but traumas flood me all day long
You, to protect your little girl from all evil hands
You were the adult, who needed to take that stand
I was lonely, unwanted, & abandoned in a foreign land

You left me alone & wanting to die
Why did you not understand my cries?
Abused for years and ashamed I was alive
Never a loving moment can I remember; I’ve tried

You worked off of vengeance & took her last born
You were going to teach her a lesson & nothing more
I was the pawn in your twisted lovers quarrel
Taking your brother’s wife and their spawned spoils

I now realize, I was defective from birth; all right
I know the troubles of mental health and the fight
I grasp the concept of preservation of one’s own might
I also know, when you birth a child it changes your insight

To focus on something more special; a brand new life
Some a symbol of love; some a surprise from above
Needless to say, your priorities change drastically that day
A solid foundation, built on unconditional love to belong

I am your truth that you don’t want to face
I am the memories of your past; such a disgrace
I am your history that tells your character true
I am the one that will always haunt you

Signed: Your Only Child…..

Dear Father, [blogging]

[August 22, 2018]

To this day I still ponder, why had my father gave up on me when I was so young. After raising two children [on my own; for the most part] and my eldest, 26 yrs old, throwing the most absolute horrid shit at me for so many years & making me delve into a deviously sick underbelly world [my eldest’s involvement in heavy illicit drugs] and the damage created & then the years of recovery that I had never wanted to learn about; Yet, I have never ‘let go’ of being there for him, to the best of my ability [no longer enabling]……So, how did my own father let go of me; his only spawn?

I wish I could obtain the court records when the psychologist took my father to court and “to the best of my remembrance of that day” the judge granted me removed from the home on the grounds of neglect and placed into a therapeutic group home from around 13-17. My father never once came & visited me [I did learn that he had to pay a monthly stipend(?) for me to live there]. Also, at the trial, I vaguely recall the judge telling my [new] stepmother [not the one who abused me from 4-11 yrs old] , to sit down & be quiet [as she was, so brazenly, informing the judge about what a horrible child I was] that he didn’t want to hear from her but from MY father ONLY. It fades out of my memory at that moment….and it comes back to me hearing the judge telling me I have 4 approved facilities to choose from since I was too young to be emancipated…I was to be ward of the state. My choices were an all girls pregnant boarding school, 2 other places (which scared me–i was allowed to visit them first before accepting where i wanted)….and in my home town (boca) was a therapeutic co-ed group home (at the time, I guess it’s now a troubled boys home….many moons ago I tried to collect my records from there & they informed me all have been destroyed) called the HAVEN. I wonder how I could have been such a horrible child; worthy of being abused by a strange woman for years and later cast aside by my own father….No, I must have been ‘too much’ to handle….right? I hear he’s a ‘good, caring, loving man.’ I see on FB that his dogs wish him happy fathers day and so do his friends & current wife for the raising of the dogs and what a good father he’s been to them, as well. I’ve also heard, through the grapevine, that he has mental health issues that he’s currently seeking treatment for. I am glad for him and I hope he sleeps well at night. I still don’t & just maybe I can make penance, one day….for all the pain I’ve caused in others lives.

Blessed be…

Embark

Image result for stars in the sky

 

Ran from a past, filled with psychotic aftermath(s)
Later, married a martyr; victimized by his deeds
Ultimately devastating in, complete, totality

Perished marriage was not, for me, a possibility
Two, I had to cherish; as tender seeds
Emotional upheaval is not what they had need

I thought it to always be, about family
That void, deep within my thickened skin
Wisdom grew from where, once, I thought I knew

On the other side; of this insanity
Reality welled in utmost calamity
Knowing the difference was pure madness; to me

It isn’t a matter of who grew you
Love, sometimes need be renewed, too
By others, than who you thought….

~A knew you!

SLEEPLESS

Image result for crying in bed

Your thoughts are completely askew
Your mind’s racing, nonstop
Nothing new

Haunts of an endless past; long ago dead
Possessed by keepsakes of such misery & dread
Exhausted of the reminders lodged in your head

You fight through your flashes of being abused
Beat & sexually used by those who “loved” you
Petrified of what strangers would be inclined to do

Held prisoner to a plethora of disturbing outrages
Belittled & berated by so many, callous & jaded
Abhorrence poured onto you in every way; each day

Nightly you’d beg & weep, the lord your soul to keep
To bless you with eternal blissful sleep
The only place you felt complete; alone & asleep

XXX~What’s the Question?~XXX

 

XXX~What’s the Question?~XXX

(SEXUAL…AKA EROTICA)

Her witty mind, she doth not think sleep
Slipping between satin sheets
Seeking the warmth of your heartbeat

Her glossy lips to her painted fingernail tips
Once to marvel at her subtle curves & rounded hips
Ready, willing, wet & juicy lips

Sweet nothings whispered from her speech
You cometh to rise and blink thine eyes
No retreat from such a fine surprise to greet

Wrapping your hand around your shaft
Restraining your cock; hard like thick glass
Wanting, needing, begging, pleading

Wishing it was thrusting to seeding
She climbs on top & your chest she’s kneading
Her luscious slick lips; they, need feeding!

Gazing into your hazel eyes; they lock
Your engorged manhood & sex appeal, rock
She starts to slide onto your pulsing cock

Do you tell her to stop?

Hark!

Iron rich laden liquid of life’s remains; you do bleed
Spilling forth w/the blade of this knife
Riddled with agony it slides down the drain; this life

Blood flows to absolve you of the pain
Momentarily, relinquished of further disdain
Deeper & deeper it screams at you in vain

It grips your soul; telling you to quit & fold
Hark? No angles will appear!
Only the devil’s ugly head does rear

Ravishing your insecurities @ your core
Whispering wicked ways of you being such a whore
Your punishment of kept alive;
Forevermore!

Indeed

Time freezes, in mid stroke, the room stills w/melancholy corroding your every possible thought; you choke.

Eroding further, acid eating your mind away. Consumed by a sadness; awoken, what once did lay.

You feel so drained, used up, and abused; nobody left of who you thought you knew.

The air to thicken, painfully escaping between your lips each breath slips.

Your solemn tears abashed & riddled with fears of reaching out to anyone near.

Voices emanating from yesterday. You’re reminded of the moments your mother would say, “A pity party is all your doing anyway.”

Denounced, berated, belittle, & jaded is how most of us walk away that feel emotionally inundated.

Those boot straps I’m ready to use, pull them up like you tell me to do & wrap them around my neck, a time or two.

Goodbye to you~

Do you hear voices?

No, She said,
They are all my own; my friend(s)
They do not speak in a different tone, in the end

Dependent on the static of your current awakeness
They will argue to fight on which one is right
Preaching each possible reaction to action(s) of a fight

Exhausted before your eyes are to open
A mind racing once your thoughts awoken
A body feeling already drained & broken

Trying to find a reason to not give up and to be dressed
Struggling with thoughts of suicide seems more pressed
Pondering the point to all the banter in your head

Living life depressed~

What A Man!?

He’s tainted the golden chalice
Wrecking relations w/pure malice
Spreading havoc to hatred; so callous

Ridiculing those that are mild & meek
Refusing medical for preexisting health physique
Ripping away benefits & the right to speak

Dissonance & insolence
Corruption for greed to breed
Get on your knees & bow to thee

Poverty plunging to an all new low
The gap of the one percent does grow
Government detached, bought, & owned

Making America great; his biggest fallacy to date
Divided we stand, shoved by his esurient hands
Grab them by the pussies so he commands;
what a man!

When do we take that stand
Show others we are a country; Grand!
Dignified with diversity and the upper hand

Let’s stop being the laughing stock of the land

Not So Broken

Draping everything in a glow of early dew honey
Cresting through her thin curtains; lovely
Rays to devour the dark & turn sunny

Baby-lings set on her sill; she opens, a lil
Reaching up for their tranquil quiet still
Exemplifying to her strength & fortuitous will

Clouds to cover the cast
Darkness came back full mast
Plunged into haunts of a long dead past

From scents to sounds all around
She should have had better solid ground
She was unsound & feeling beat down

Walking taller each and every day
She isn’t going to let their dismay lead her way
She breaks the cycle further today!

Opening wide; the curtains she’d hide behind
Welcoming in new experiences for her to align
She is, for sure, a one of a kind of a find

She’s not unceasingly caught on rewind
She’ll eventually blossom into something more divine
Just give her time…..

Enkindle

One on one, the dance seductively begun
Letting down her hair, trickling past her bosoms some
Once in a tight bun; she let go, for some fun

Scantily dressed, merely in a lacy panty set
Precious pearls majestically dripping wet
Dangling between her beautiful cleavage & silhouette

Quivering under your soft manly touch
You grab her by the waist & squeeze much
Moans of lust escaping from the rush

Grinding her hips to each of your thrusts
A passionate inferno, of two lovers, entrenched in lust
Temperature rising to flames; both rupture to combust

“You’re The BEST woman a man could ASK for”!!!

Do you really mean it?
She implores, what for?
What motivates your means?
What instigates your dreams?

What is she to foresee?
Years of abuse and deceit lay at her feet
Conditioned to be kept for keeps
For years she wept in her sleep

I bite my tongue; but she knows your young
A family you should had begun
Instead of pursuing this particular one
She’s been long done

Moods erratic and & sometimes sporadic
Just stuff her up in the attic; stigmatic
Yet, you don’t chase her off & her havoc
You’ve embraced her more than haven’t

So lost and confused
Just don’t know what to do
She feels the love coming from you
It is what she’d grown so cold-hearten to;
until you!

Will she continue to believe you to be true
Not hiding some evil things that you do
Praising her as she’s your only boo
So many years had she been lied to;
Before you

What’s a woman to do…
[I believe you]

The Package

He’s handsome & debonair
His physic not many to compare
You can’t help but continuously stare

Worthy of a lover’s passions untamed
Deserving of compassion all the same
An understanding of this life living game

You are the sparkle to his eyes
Stop trying to eternally scrutinize
Just know, he makes you feel so alive

He is a blessing; not by surprise
He is devoted and loyal as wise
His smile to keep as your prize

Love has arrived……

Raw(r)

therapy chair.jpg

 

 

He quietly sits in his chair
Eyeing her,
Fondling her long golden hair
Pondering,
Why her smile so rare?

Her bruises & scars, one can not see
Mental Illness; some say the disease
Tormenting her soul to still bleed

He catches her flinch & shy away
Not wanting the past to be replayed
Wondering,
Now,
Who’s on
Display?

She keeps the truth; ever since youth
Misguided, lieded, and hidden from truths
Things that were done, so fucking uncouth

With a careful ear & a watchful eye
He’s witnessed more than just her cries
He’s fallen in love
w/someone so dead;
Yet, alive

[She survived!!]

 

 

Did You?

All eyes were on the errs you’d do
Never a dull moment; not for you!
Always had to be the one on cue

You’re an innate being to strive to survive
Once, on the streets; hidden, but alive
Never knowing love, for it had been deprived

You’re a lot of misguided insight
You had to be on guard, even late @ night
Taught by a teacher of whom instilled fright

You’re the misery; you’re the fight, too
Who knows why they had done that to you
Never knew what you’d have to push through
Did you?

Heard

For some, childhood is golden
For others it is ripped away & stolen
And, yet, should be a time of love & molding

I, too, was silenced and hushed
Told not to tell a single soul anything of such
They would call me a liar if said touched

I was never alone; I felt you, too
Tears would fall onto my empty years
I knew others were out there in the same fear

You are here reading this w/me now
I am also a survivor; standing amongst the crowd
I will not settle till my little voice is found

Neither should you!

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