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Sweet Dreams & Rude Awakenings

Poetry, blogging, mental health

Who’s Left [If we are no longer; right?]

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Science has been an evil necessity, for the feeding, of our desire(s) [destinies]
Gluttonous, we’ve grown to become, in all that we’ve consumed & succumbed
Ignoring psyche, nothing will truly be retrieved microscopically

We’ve captured & harnessed electricity; the beginning of life… all that be!
Not to fade nor does it falter, there is no entropy, just degree(s) prevailed
They’ve awoken the seed but it was raised by those riddled w/greed

Wanting naught more than to delve into the wondrous, “Why”
Anything, something to fill their un-devoted isolating time(s)
Seeing people like as an experiment is a serious mental illness; crime

Lavish lusts of passions; nothing more, to be, wielded
Sycophants, with their evil deeds fulfilled on what they want at will
Exploiting the peepholes; pulling no stops, is what they had want

Broken down to the atoms of our very core; we have explored
Photons built more than our aura’s frequency above all
Truly, we have harnessed way too much; it’s gotten out of hand & such

Cognitive dissonance hath been created by the dictator(s) of our land(s)
Fear to religion(s) till the release of the television stands
Reality of controlling the flesh by subliminal transmitted commands

Past are the days of taught the righteous ways
It’s seen as a negative word; here and today
Essence of our pure consciousness; dispraised

Ai to never be the creator of the unknown
Replicating & calculating is all they’ll ever know
Intelligence was the race; last place we’d face

Never Let Your Creative Side Die……

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I, Bare Witness

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I know I’ll always feel; misunderstood
It’s not that I haven’t been heard; word for word
Time over, I’ve never been spared, depression reoccurs

Mental illness or disorder; if you wish
Some I was born with others gifted by a bitch
It is her fault, as to why I suffer some pain; to this day

Hate-filled displays; she’d beat me every-which-way
Vomiting from the hideous affray of her disarray
-”Ammonia will fix it; clean it up; NOW, I say”!!-

Emotionally spent by 6 yrs old; beseeching to repent, I wept
Groveling to a god who hath no pity nor duty to protect
Always left, to be feeling, unloved & oppressed

I have tried through the years of forgiveness
Absolve is what she all ready beholds; I bare witness
As I am left w/the unresolved seditious sickness

Public places, I always have the want to die
All their energies makes me want to scream & cry
Feeling exposed of the horrible secrets I hide inside
(it makes one shy)

I never finished what I did strive
I never surmised there ever was a prize
Only taught on how to try to survive

Reality is funny; many only do see or blindly believe
Always having the answers they’ve retrieved but not received
Mental illness is an infliction most perceive to disbelieve

I Bare witness……

Away From Your Reflection(s)

 

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Sliding into the unknown
Some do know
Others haven’t the time to go

Racing the clock; nonstop
Deadlines & due dates
Enough to keep them, thinking….not

Shifting away from all reflections
Superseded of all introspection(s)
Looking past all retrospection(s)

The moment of ‘be’
The ‘never’ present me
Oblivious of so many layers
You, see?

All the brain-washed realities
Where do you breathe?
It is for how, you, “perceived”…
as, you do bleed?

Navigate not, w/thinking aforethought
Intruding on the paradigm of accepting; fraught!
Tide matter not, to which, ocean you sought

Waves of conceptions; none to be right
It’s beyond the words, we speak & type
Liberating from all the hype of sight

We ALL know what’s
“RIGHT”

 

 

When Will She Learn?

Experiences, she’s always struggled
Growing up so horribly troubled
Never loved, coddled, or cuddled

No one to see
The horrible things
Done to she….

As others would play
Indoors she was required to stay
Watching from her window; everyday

She spoke not
For fear, she lived in
A lot

A horrible memory to withstand
Her step-mother to demand
To see her underwear on command

Soiled panties, she didn’t want to share
The girl becomes incredibly scared
No stars but a hate-filled glare

That step-mother took the dirty wears
Disgraced her in every way
Pulling the bottoms over & crotch on her face

Forced to vacuum the whole house
For anyone & all to see
Her bad, accidental deed

Her step-brother
To fall in a fit of laughter
To his knees

Her punishment
For her mistake
She will learn; INDEED!

Alone Is Home

So many years, she fought to stay alive & strong
Stuck in a toxic environment; for so long
She’s moved on; some believe withdrawn

Alone, she now sits, in her basement
No other(s) to transfix on her little ticks
Just her words & thoughts to intermix

Solitude has always been what she’s sought
It is where she’s more free than not
No one to condescend or possibly even, to, offend

Outside influences,
None she wants not to contend
Some not to understand how you can be your own best friend
….…..This is what we all are; in the end……….

Skip A Few…Start (A)New …(more thoughts to write to you….)

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She shifts to change; not knowing her name
Her thoughts & ideas are clearly not the same
Morals & attitudes switch & alter to change

Get this, me, not wrong
Changing values, sometimes very strong
Kinda, physically, I don’t belong

I didn’t realize the extent
Until others would reminisce
I, missing a LOT of it…..

Stopping the division, before it gets it’s way
Knowing so much; yet, knowing not
How to get the division to stop
(hide away…no one to say; either way…..)

Still present, you see & debating heavily
*Forgiven* is truly to have forgot; continuously
Not about giving grace; you were spat in your face

It’ll plunder your thinking on what’s right
Sleep well at night; knowing it’s out-of-sight
Birth no life, further into the repetitive plights

A body to react no matter how hard you try
Changing your path in a blink of an eye
Sanity trapped in your realities contrived

Trying to accept the flawed beautiful you
Accept division that will probably always ensue
Mental illness has always encapsulated you

What can WE truly do…..I beg of you…..(sigh)

A Long 5 Minutes; A Quick Nap

Erotica TRIPLE X (okay, maybe only a TWO X, to be real)

……please do not read if that’s not your forte….Have A Nice Day!……

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Closing her laced curtains….
Penetrating the sheer weaving
The moon, casting a perfect light; beaming

Sensual curves, softly outlined
Her silhouette, so appealing to your eyes
Toned & primed; as you will find

Don’t try to take her all in; do blink
You’ll start to get a glazed look; if you try to think
Dare not to guzzle, slowly sip; the tall drink in

Your sight traveling up, past her exposed clit
Rising up her navel; higher to her tips
Her jeweled nips sparkling a bit

Closer, she straddles your lap; no crime
Drawn under her spell; you entwine
Fantasies, you both redefine

Her hands to cradle your face
She needs not the lustful lies
She craves to look deeper; into your eyes

Your stiffness causing you to shift
Her sensuality is hard to miss
You start to squirm a little bit

Your hands wander across her naked flesh
Toying w/her pierced nips; intense
Searching, now, for her sweet wetness

Lasciviously down her soft navel you travel
She grabs hold to guide you further
She pushes your hand; you obey her command

Silky moistness; your fingers dripping w/it
Sliding just the tips into her sinuously warm slit
Moans escaping, as she arches her back; dipped

Grinding further down w/her hips
Your thumb reaches & starts rubbing her clit
Springing up she rips down your jeans……

& you cream……waking from a wet dream….

Free Will Taught; Yet, Forgot Teaching: Harm, Not!

 

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I’d rather take the blade & bleed
Than to air their dirty laundry…..
…..YET….
I give their actions back; I release it from me!

My expectations where so low; cheap
Boundaries they did breach, ever so deep
Each memory, they had, gifted to me

Some abused the delicate trust
Others tried to touch; way too much
I am to hush…why bring up such?

Pain of feeling, so ever-lovingly, at a total loss
Hopefully they can be honest in their own thoughts
The whole lot; yes, no longer at my cost!

Digging that hole for two to fit
This is no way, for anyone, to live
Haunted by the things I hid!

…….Burial for my Ego & Pride……..

……Knowing you are human; just as I…..
Ruined innocence; more than 3 times
Your memories hold a reason, for you, to sob & cry

I know why…….You’ll always dwell in your denial
Your addictions came before any said child
Keep acting to seek solace & grace…we all have to start someplace

I am sorrowful for my rantings to vent…..
I wish it was a happily ever after event….
They should have thought about that….

Once again; I am to repent…..
That energy wasted & now spent
On what but, of ill-willed, events…..

I wish no ill or harm..your soul knows hurt & harm
….that’s of….
…CHOICES…
Free Will Taught; Yet, Forgot Teaching: Harm, Not!

If the shoes fit….wear them…..

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Old age is the only thing they can nurture to grow
Dishonorable words, theirs, have peaked & plateaued
Mourning the loss, of one they claimed to love; dearly so

Malformed & abandoned since youth
Roots to be found, piteously rotten; uncouth
Never to bare any succulent sweet fruit

I’d listen, helplessly, as she’d cry; brokenheartedly
Bewailing herself when it was others dastardly deeds
Her mental illness to place the blame;
To absolve them of their grotesque atrocities

I am witness to some suffering; she’d went through
Firstly taken advantage, by family; another casualty
She felt so confused, used, & abused in this reality

~an innocent soul; you didn’t protect!
~eternal hell, you had created; all of it!
~I hope, one day; you are able to repent

……Now is the time, for you, to accept it!

May she, eternally, rest in peace!

Stooping To Her Level…

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I am all for forgive but to never forget
Words they spoke, about past events
Rose-colored glasses for their, now, benefit

A woman to praise a man who got her ill daughter, jonesing for a fix
The meth he would cook & give any addict
The daughter mentally ill; paranoid schiz-

That ‘’mother’’ felt the right to leave her be
Just because he spread his seed
Alone, stuck in a drug house, w/three to feed

Cognizant moments, the daughter could see
As the past presented; she couldn’t believe
In lucid memories; she wept, for all her 3

That man had beat her senseless
Kept her against her will
Used her up to get his fill

Her mother blesses him for his good will?

To claim she cherished her in every way
In the hospital; alone ..that final day…..
Her last breath, to strangers; given away

Another daughter, expressing her misery
Needing you to come help her w/that day
You can give no help, is what you did say

[A goodbye, you satisfied yourself; allay]

Now, you write of undying love
You write of kisses & hugs
You write of missing her from above

Yet, praising the man(?) who let her only son take the fall
When the police came to call
19 yrs old & he had spent…a year; overall

I am the one to remind you; just in case…..
You think your sweet words can replace
The hellish world my sister did ESCAPE!

Your sugared praise; as she is the one disgraced
Words you say, have no meaning & no true taste
Memories you try to black out; even erase

I am the past to mark the mistakes
You taught me more, of what I do, distaste!
Moronic history you have to fake

Others to follow your tone
Not knowing of what some have been shown
Stroking your lies even if they know otherwise

I’m not here just “for show” or a “tasteless display”
I recall how badly she suffered, with no help; betrayed!
Sometimes by those who claimed to love her always

To honor my sister and her true sad fate
With all the obstacles in her way…..
Starting with a toxic family to be raised….
….and they still live that way…..

……I hope she lay in rest w/no more disrespect…..

I will NOT throw this in your face
Let others spread the drama;
If they read my secret writing place

Yours, is not the truth; you betray
It disgusts me; in every way
Reminds me why I still don’t talk to you …even today…

My Ears Are Ringing

Mental illness is my plight
I’ve known since a young child of 9
I never fit in; never found my kind

Abused at an early age; gave me insight
I knew what she was doing was not right
I knew I had a long road ahead of me; every night

I became aware of voices, as they would appear
I hold dear; my schizophrenic sister was weird
They are MY voices, that only, I can hear!

When I was younger, louder they would roar
Taking over, forcing me to retreat & shut the door
Promised to make me feel complete; evermore

Speaking through my voice
I faded to the darkness; no choice
Escaping all noise

It is me, at a quick glance
Until you get to know me; out’s the cat
My idiosyncrasies easily picked up; tracked

Feelings of being analyzed slips into my mind
On watch of every little thing to find
I wanted to make sure I was always on the line

Betterment has always been my goal
I have practiced everything I’ve been told
I’ve exercised all my rights to learn and grow

Trapped in an hourglass
Time holds no meaning
……………Drifting away………….

………I’m tired of ……….

…………….being……………….

Schools Out

She knew better
She knew not to breed
Not to spread her seed

..[mental illness, indeed!]…

He lied, blatantly, to her face
Promising to help her every step of the way
17 yrs, ended in rape; crushed her spirit, betrayed

Her mother to tell her to brush it away
A father who couldn’t care either way
34 and lost in what to do or say

Her only boundaries had been stripped
Her family true, told her she was too soft
Sweep it under the rug; you matter, NOT!
[no man will love you more, than he does not]

Nothing, was there, for her to circumvent
No reason for her to accept the heinous event
Her sanctity of a family; they did not represent!

Two children, she’d birthed, to contend
She will devoutly love & defend; to her end
No matter where the road ascends or descends

She’s feeling too old to be lost
Yet, she can not pretend…she’s so distraught
Hardship has taken its toll; more than not

A teenager showing so much angst & silent protest
Can’t follow simple rules; at her request
She’s done all she can; her best, she’s spent

Grief she carries, as she tries to stay present
Knowing she’s at a loss; he takes advantage of it
Poor choices will be his lifetime to repent

Beyond the excruciating pain & disdain
She, to always, be their unconditional mother
Her heart to never belong to any other

She’s tried to give them confidence & pride
Blessed, she had felt, to be their guide
Why such the rough path(s)? She sobs to cry!

Always to catch them, if they don’t succeed
She wishes, that part, she didn’t have to conceive
Petrified in totality, her youngest is losing his lead

She does crumble to concede
She’s internally exhausted & weak
She’s battling; everything looking so bleak!

Failure is not the seed she had planted
She hasn’t the heavy hand of reprimand
Respect, she doesn’t know how to demand

Losing because she can’t get him to understand
Knowing he’s aware & decides to run like a man
Yet, floundering, in all of, societal demands

Slightest of weakness; depression grabs her hand
“Come on woman, I have other things to demand”!
“Let’s start by going into the bathroom once again”

….She’s failed & flawed…
She should have never bred; all along
[She has let them both down…her woe is me, sad song]
…They have kept her here this long…
….She’s just, no longer strong…..

Written words; of her confession(s)

She’s given up
She’s lost her hope
She’s struggling to cope

Reach out, they say
It gets better, they say
Wait another day, they say

She can’t hear them
She’s drifted far away
Pain to take her to her wordplay

She has let go & does fold
Blinded to truth; be told
Making her grow ever so cold

Let her be,
She’s not wanting to die; you see
The pain she feels; she’s letting it be real

Tears to flow are better than the blood
She might want to bestow
Let her ramble these words is all she knows

You see, she’s not crazy… she’s insane
Birthed with something wrong w/her brain
Along with a childhood riddled w/pain

So many years to have passed
She’s much older now…at last
Still the same; outcast-ed, she remains

Her mind to race & give her no space
Voices, her mind, to banter all the time
Never to shut up,,,they can’t; they’re her(s)

Her mental health slipping; can’t be true
The ones to claim sane, have no clue?
Then how would she know of this, too?

Isn’t that correct & true?
She’s sane, like me & you
Never a doubt, when you see her beauty too

She’s broken all family chains
Disowning toxicity to her soul; not in vain
She’s her best, she’s been able to claim

Putting so many miles from her past
Emotional turmoil lingers in the back
Relieved not as, she is, the aftermath

Pain to slam hold
Not physically but onto her soul
Making her feel so utterly out of control

Who’d reach out
We know the only option(s)
Insight is not one of the losses

Answers be told; everyone does know
Either you live or let go
Intelligence tells us that’s so

She’s tried so hard to forget the traumas
All the way back to when she was a kid
So many better memories to relive

Cycle to phase, depression has been raised
Not running from her tears; instead,
Scrawling them to make them disappear

Putting feelings into expression
Not w/the blade of her obsession
Written words of her confessions

A Few Hours In The Night…

writing.jpgShe takes a much need seat & tries to settle in for the evening. She just finished deep cleaning the house; trying to expel some of her overbearing energy. She never lets it get dirty enough, to succeed in, depleting all of her nervous energy but makes her body a bit more tired; in hopes her mind will follow. She knows all her floors in her house need scrubbed but her body is refusing to be on her knees for an additional 2+ hours. That’s on reserve for another day. Earlier, she actually left her house & ran errands & spoke w/some friends [that’s where her nervous energy comes from]. She did miss her therapy appointment; so, she’s unloading on me(us)….I’m here to let her decompress & in the process share with you; if you care to read any further….don’t worry, she doesn’t ‘mind’…….It’s all but slices of her fragmented wandering mind……maybe we can sort some things out?

She’s finally turned the lights low & cleared her workspace of ‘clutter’. Her steamy creamy coffee, ashtray (gag), and a bottle of water are all she has w/in her reach; all that she needs. She turned off her phone hours ago & is playing music on the TV, at a whisper’s tone. Through her sheer curtains, she watches as, it starts to darken outside. It draws her, momentarily, into the magical world of transformation. All worries reprieved, for a moment of stillness, as the breathtaking occurrence enraptures her spirit. Mesmerized by the cast of the blinding grey hue on everything in her view. Beauty in the darkness that starts to envelope every corner of her gaze. She’s transcended, for a second, into a soothing silence that’s being embraced by the pressing lightlessness.

….…back into reality…….

Her mind is snapped into being restless. She can’t fully unwind due to her youngest not being home; yet. He should have been, which creates anxiety to her all ready heightened awareness overload that she’s been feeling since getting home after her errands. She has unfeignedly worried herself sick over him. He’s not ‘towing’ the line in many aspects [neither has she; ever!] and she feels at a total loss in guiding him in the right direction….how does one do that when they’ve never done it themselves? She’s frozen in her tracks. Her words are going unheard and she’s melting down. Overwhelmed by thoughts of too much sand has buried her chances of building him into a righteous man. The foundation she once felt to have…had, long ago, crumbled for she took his foundation away the day he saw her filleted by her own hand. He reached out to get her help, he was only 13 when he was pushed into adulthood by her act of self-harm. She regrets, in her life, only that single day. No other day can she tell me where she doesn’t feel more remorse. She took away her young child’s “security”…the only parent he has ever had devoted in his life was covered in blood and reaching from her thigh to wrist begging & sobbing to make it all stop; what a horrible fortuity for him to have to face at such a young age (even, ever at all). With that bleeding regret; she also, is battling her comprehension of how the male species behaves and their totally different logical deducting and emotional development [brains?]. Don’t get me wrong….she’s always felt connected to her children; from the start. Yet, she feels at a loss of wholly knowing her boy(s) and the mortifying awareness of all the areas she’s lacking in.

She’s feeling very inadequate on keeping her last child on the right path; regardless of the excuses/reasons…..her own battle with her mental health makes her cower that much more. She feels to be dreadfully hurting two birds w/one stone and is fighting the feeling of being suffocated by the lack of options available, to her, to get help to prevent losing her son to the streets ……to assist in stopping the progression she believes to see the start of.

She’s being faced w/a challenge to be a more authoritarian style parent before she loses him to immature choices that last a lifetime. She so wants to give him a sense of confidence that he’ll always have a home where ever she’s at…give him back that foundation she took away from him at 13 [he’s now 17]. To have him know he’s complete and to never feel inadequate in anything he puts his mind to accomplish. She truly feels weak in her own security of herself to be that guide in such a world that they both know …she knows not of. Why would he ever listen to her, knowing, she knows only by study and not action.

Well, before we go any further, I feel compelled to tell you a piece of her history…….She originally was pretty adamant about NOT having children. She knew she was deficient in many ways & was, at a young age, afraid of the ramifications of the exposure to her ‘disorders/idiosyncrasies’ on any of her offspring …even the people she’d be around; be it biological or environmental. [She still stands firm in believing those with mental disorders, to which, it intrudes/influences/ruptures on a daily …should not reproduce.] Please don’t hate her for her ideology & respect that she cares for “all”…and wants what’s best for these generations to come. She, herself, was advised against the second child by her therapist and psychiatrist.

She didn’t listen, either……

She went against all recommendation due to her biological clock screaming at her to share one more time. She almost died in the hospital 8 yrs earlier, with her first child, but was still driven to procreate. It took her 2 yrs to conceive.

Now….17 yrs later, she knows not the answers nor where to turn….it had been so much easier for her when he was younger. She has always been a doting mother & has always shown her child(ren) unconditional love but is VERY weak in disciplining and has serious issues w/being in public places for any length of time [just to name one].

She is not being hyper-vigilant but some great fear does stem from her feelings of letting down her first child in his late teen years & doesn’t want to repeat her mistake. Her eldest left a month before he turned 18 because he wanted to live w/his carefree father instead of stepping into becoming a more responsible adult; as she was asking. That broke her heart as she watched, helplessly, as he traveled down the road of drugs with his father. He was an all-star in academia and sports. Very extroverted & confident, as he fully enjoyed school w/a passion. He excelled in areas that his mother always cringed about. Her first born was always think later personality type. Almost, everything his mother wasn’t, is where he excelled. He has always going full steam ahead when he was doing things. That includes his 7 yr drug addiction. She questions how she could have approached the situation better to where she wouldn’t have lost him to his father’s seedy environment. Maybe she should have fought that last month to get him into counseling of some sort while she still had the ‘control’ w/age instead of just turning coat and letting him leave. This drives her farther out of “her” comfort-zone to try to help guide her youngest @ 17 that is trying to be wayward.

I speak of her second son, the one she’s still trying her best to guide, came along 10 yrs after her first. She had planned her second pregnancy, instead of the universe doing the choosing. It was her turn to prepare to share the love that she had learned & experienced with her first child; with another. She felt more sure and confident of herself; at that time. She named him after a “Great” man and found humor when he started, by his own creativity, writing his last name “King”.

She has learned more about life and unconditional love than she ever dreamt possible. She’s always felt ‘blessed’ by her children and in the second breath breathe fire for those contemplating children when living w/a mental disorder or history of abuse because she knows & sees beyond her little scope of a window & into the grand scheme of things and raising children while you yourself struggle w/depression and or any other mental disorder….sure, a much bigger heart…..but battling their own vicious demons and no matter how hard they try, it spills out & overflows affecting ANYONE in proximity [especially long term]. Sure we need empaths but we need healthy empaths.

As she struggles to keep herself in check [present] and guiding a young man of 17 has been very difficult w/out any guidance or assistance, say….from their father [homeless druggie]. She has always willingly carried the weight of her children on her shoulders. She’s been, if anything, a very devout mother.

She’s now, blown out the candles around the house; extinguishing their fruitful scents. She can now breathe, a sigh of relief, because her son finally got home from the YMCA. She wanted to be stern upon his return for him not following through and coming home first [this is reoccurring]. Let alone the fact that he didn’t get to school until lunch time. She also feels that she’s truly exhausted her words. She’s used all the words she knows of & he keeps disrespecting her simple house rules that are only in place to qualify routine, structure, home responsibilities, and a healthy loving environment. She is having a hard time addressing his decision making & guiding him towards a possibly easier life on this planet by succeeding in learning as much as possible And ENACTING on it. He is so much like her and that, in itself, mentally plays havoc on her too. She can recall her aptitude during those years and in her heart she knows he doesn’t need her repetitive words and he’s very aware of what he needs to get done to be ‘successful’….….She’s known he’s been in need of a role model. Someone he looks up to for that ‘male’ aspect of development and not just peers. She knows she can not provide that alone; logically.

5 hours later…..

She’s been back home 3 hours but was stuck driving around in the raining blackness, she was earlier admiring, for 2 hours. Upon her son’s arrival home, he shortly came downstairs [after they were talkin in the kitchen making dinner] He asked her if she could take a friend of his home from the YMCA. She expressed the gas situation on not being ‘good’ to be driving all over. He assured her that it wasn’t the town over; just half way. Her first thought was to protest, since it was raining, dark & her night vision is not good; she, instead agreed & off they went. She not only drove a whole town over but then BACK and down the OTHER hwy to the OTHER town over?!?! Okay, she was really about to lose her mind. She started hearing …”See this is how a good deed goes bad,” ….The gas gauge is now dancing to an all new position than she’s ever seen. Her son & friend were talking so low she couldn’t hear and was about to lose her cool. She broke down & lit a cigarette and started traveling back towards her town & the friend recalls halfway back to town the street they needed to turn on. Luck of the draw because she was headed home; hopefully, if there was enough gas left and then have someone that knew where the friend lived, in the sticks, to pick them up at the house & have them take the friend home. She was very nervous about running out of gas. Well, she let her son know that he might be walking w/the gas can & pandhandling for some $$ for two gallons. The nervous laugh almost reassured him that it might have been a joke. She let him know, the joke was going to be on him. They made it home & her son was very grateful and said he would be home at lunch w/two gallons since the car can’t make it back to the gas station. It was now 9:30pm when she sat down.

Her muscles are tight, her mind is spun, and her feelings don’t want to come undone. It’s now past midnight, the cat is sound asleep and so is her son. She’s, left up, to ponder………….

Let’s not make this existence futile…..

She’s been selfish by turning her phone off earlier in the day. She’s been busy chewing my ear off when not tending to the kids. She’s told me how spent she feels. I’m no sure what that means. She leaves me hanging, once again, from hearing a noise in her hallway. She wanders the house checking doors & lights. She ends up amongst her plants. She takes notice to their shapes, water needs; while brushing leaves & talking to them. She rearranges them & prunes what needs to go. Her cat following between her feet, she stands back to inspect her plants & positioning. She notices that she almost made a triangle out of them [just one was a little askew of a straight angle.] She debated on ‘fixing’ that…and left it up to chance, instead. Everything clean & quiet she comes back down to visit w/me.

She knows she should seek her sheets; right about now [by means of taking her medication]. Against, her own advice she wants me to listen a little bit more; I oblige …do you?

She’s a multitude of perplexities; never knowing which is in of the reality…..Oh, to peak into her mind. To break her gaze; look away. The distance is more than just in her eyes; she’s regressed inside. She is told to file her past…She’s pondered this, a spell. Her source, she knows means, nothing but ‘well’. Her best interest is what is upheld. The simplicity of the words brings great curiosity to her mind. Which angle would you like to know from?

She tries to calm her mind by talking to me…or better yet, writing to that other soul(s) out there that might understand all of this.. She doesn’t like relying on medication, nightly, to carry her into sleep. That has been her only haven and when sedated she doesn’t get to have her adventurous dreams and sometimes that means waiting awhile for sleep to set in due to daily activities & feeling overstimulated.

Her cat jumps up into her lap & joins her for a spell. She, yes…once again….is diverted to tending to her cat’s lovin’ session. It’s 2am and he’s not use to her being up this late. She has been pretty faithful, against her own wishes, taking the medication most regularly. She is determined to at least not lose all her marbles….what do you think? Lost cause? Hahah….

I’m trying to convince her to just call it quits today & take the medication. I think she’s having too much fun doing this!!!

[[Honestly, I don’t mind, I like to be around once in awhile & am always available to help others…why not myself with a little help from you? I am nothing till you read these words. Her story is told through your comprehension to birth the meanings to which you read…without you; I am not me!]]

Good Night…….3am

I Bare TOO Much!

I haven’t the roots (extended family) who can claim to have raised me or validate me. I entered the system at 13. I spent many years, starting at the young age of 9, on the ‘streets ‘ as a runaway child. Mind you, I was fortunate enough to have lived in the south, in a good area, and where the weather was mostly moderate & accommodating to outside ‘survival.’ Unlike many other wayward children; I opted to stay under playground structures, in trees, on roof tops, under carports, or hidden in garages…least not forget, under beds in steam saunas and in closets (when lucky)

Instead of disappearing into the underbelly of the seedy world. I was fearful of *drugs* and at a young age …I figured, if “family” could *hurt me* just imagine what a stranger might do!!! So, I avoided ALL adults. The only ones I had put trust in where a few peers…starting in, about, 6th/7th grade. I was, always, a very shy, horribly confused, socially backwards, and [I will openly admit] very troubled child.
My mother lost custody of me when I was 4 [didn’t meet her again til 16]
My father was a good provider.

Yet, I am the reminder of their ugly past; no one wants to acknowledge. I am the walking mistake of their actions; forever. My spirit I’ve reclaimed. My children, if anything else, know a mother’s undoubted LOVE.

My whole life I’ve felt discarded. Have I put myself there? No, I am ‘clear’ enough to, now, know that those that have been in my life (for the most of it) was ME…no, seriously…have been abusers in one shape or form. This, of course, excludes any ‘friends’ I do have in my life (since my divorce of my husband & extended family 10 yrs ago)…..by my choice & carry the title “family” to me because of their ACTIONS & RESPECT for me as a caring, sensitive, loving individual. I left the constant berate-ment. The sarcastic ‘constructive’ criticism, hurtful ‘jokes’ & passive aggressive behavior was taking a serious toll on my …spirit?…..I struggled past being ‘alone w/my children’ in this ‘harsh’ (as they’d have me believe) cruel world [false…but that’s a whole other topic].

For 8 yrs, I was doing my best…..and happily…..alone w/my kids. There was no cycle of men through my door (only 1 in 10 yrs that lived w/us) that were involved w/my children; at all. I regret that they did not grow up w/a father figure present. My eldest experienced an unhealthy relationship & my younger son….well, he was 5 when we moved out. He’s seen him throughout the years. Yet, he’s (the children’s father) has been homeless & addicted to some drug [I believe, meth]. I have no contact w/him and shouldn’t speculate what kind it is…I, truly, haven’t a clue (That’s another story w/a restraining order in it).

It’s 3:01 AM, I haven’t slept….I finally took my meds 20 min ago….I should go wander to my bedroom & sleep for awhile…..I might continue this when I get up……idk…..I just really needed this minute to ‘purge’ …I find when I write I don’t feel to be bothering anyone w/a past none want to know or listen to….but I just have to pour it out…releases it …Abandon it into the internet abyss. And, it’s truly your choice to read as far as you did…..free will ……and then, avoiding that horrible feeling of making someone uncomfortable or ‘bothered/annoyed’ maybe they’ve heard me say it 100x’s in the past years. It’s best I write about things that I need to get off my chest & express…so it doesn’t continue to haunt my mind & make me do stupid self shaming shit. I will sleep well….hope you have, too.

Reflecting Rest

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Accepting of life’s plentiful tests
She stops to rest & starts to reflect
Smart enough to not protest or run from it

Her challenges, she does confess, make her stress
Dropping, a heavily burdened sigh from her chest
All she wanted was to raise her children the best

Weighted until properly assessed & addressed
Never did matter if she was ready & awake for it
Lessons taught even when she asked ‘em to stop

Insight built from a socially inept child
Not feral, just the known outcast-ed; wild
Alone to wander this wasting promised land

A gypsy she claims, *HURRAH*… at last, bless this day!
Judgement, none to pass, when silence is of hers to ask
No caravan or male counterpart to hold her hand

Freeing of her ego and her id
Insanity is, now, where she does live
A much safer place than when she was a kid

She’ll always relive…..PTSD; the gift was given
Surviving an abusive childhood….a lifetime event
Some are never granted the gift of forget
All we can do, anymore, is forgive
&
….Continue to do our….
….Best……
….To…..
….Live…..

….Life to the fullest…..

In Her Silence; She Is Sanctified Deeply…. Queenly

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Years of abuse, none want to hear that truth
Isolated & kept in youth, to have, wept so profuse
Diligently, trying to get loose of memories produced

She’d roll the dice & grab the blade or knife
Death, her unfeigned friend in this life
Praying for a reprieve; he asks, her soul to sacrifice

Toying w/her most intricate lace
Finespun fingers traveling low to unlace
Casting off her blouse & brazier with haste

Illuminating her bare breasts
Moon-lite shining to gently caress
Through sheer curtains her sensual silhouette

Swanning to the floor, her flitted skirt she undressed
Amongst her adventures, she’d never confess
No panties on; no one would have known, to guess

Undisguised with all body flaws apprised
Lengthy legs greeting her slender thighs to hips
A soft navel & pierced beautiful nips

Closer inspect, scars taint her delicate flesh
Dry your eyes, long ago she was unwise & inept
One could only come to circumvent

Cognitive dissonance always felt so unjust; losing touch
Erasing history; if it’s, to be of an insult to misery
Emptying her mind of those crimes which violated her trust

Solitude discreetly beseeching her name; weeping’ly
Begging to be removed from all 3D games, completely
Becoming one with the embrace of a tranquil phase; freely

….In Her Silence; She Is Sanctified Deeply….Queenly…

 

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Do *Your* Best

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As I look back…..
Years to have passed through the hourglass
Nothing left for me to ponder, just accept
A wanderer; I’ll become a specialist

You see, the more connected I become w/we
Not the outer; as most do see
Not with another; as some would believe
My inner soul & sanctity, is best for me

Blessed with unconditional love times 2
I haven’t too many spoons after fending those two
Just enough time for me to express
Needing to decompress; alone, less judgement

Selfish, I am not being nor lonely & weeping
Spirituality & healing is which I’m seeking
Not the meaning of life or why strife
Reality, that is, so much more than plain sight

To forge my path; remove my blindfold & mask
Singing from my soul; so, now known
Continue guiding my children to grow; best I know
Blessings to my whole existence 10fold

Accept not to forget the fun, to come & to pass
Experiencing the peaks of earthly endeavors
Even enjoyment of the sweet fleshy pleasures
No sin in a woman’s sensuality within

Knowing right from wrong, but never told
I look thoughtfully at what some know
Controlled & dictated; fallacies bought & sold
I know what has helped, grow my soul; to each their own

Keep following your path & never call it quits
Eradicating all insecurities & embracing bliss
Exchange of a challenging life; that you truly won’t miss
Accept free will in all respects…just don’t forget…..

….Death is always at our doorstep; progress to not regret in any aspect…..

[ie: do your best!]

{sorry this turned out so long; I wrote a lot….wow}

…..He Opened His Eyes….

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Whispering, in her ear, naughty sins
Promising her a slice of heaven; if she’d give in
Calling forth her vixen hiding w/in

Liberating her body; he, she does undress
Indulging in every inch of her velvety bare flesh
Quivering to gasp but she gives no protest

He couldn’t resist; he had to persist
Ascending beyond her soft navel to her exposed breasts
Her perky nips; pierced for a playful twist

Her mouth to moisten as he fondles her tits
His cock to throb as she slowly licks her lips
Knowing, full well, how she ravishes his manliness

Lowering his hands, just above her slender hips
She, to arch her back, to meet his intensifying grip
Exhilarated by her forthwith of sultriness

She is everything he had ever wished
Her womanly physic, so tight and fit
Gorgeous with wit and even artistic, a bit

He’s never been with someone so picturesque
Whilst trying to suppress his unchaste’ing readiness
His body protests & starts to bead with sweat

Her tongue to part her ruby lips
Leaning in to lick & taste his salty skin
Seizing his engorged cock; her smirk turns into a grin

Headily gazing into her rich brown eyes
Fading faster than not; by his surprise
His dream world ended; once again, denied…..

…..He opened his eyes…..

Shut The Door

 

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I close my windows
I close my blinds
Behind these walls; I unwind

Deflecting the energies emitting
Alone, w/out a lover, sitting
Solitude to feel befitting

Safety in the silence
Judgement not passed
Closing out the crazy world; at last!

Penning My Pain

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My younger years, before adolescence
I have too many memories; in raw essence
Intruding my thoughts & feeding my emptiness

Bringing me to my knees; I beg for forgiveness
Hush the whispers, that want my skin to kiss
Salvation I pray, why’s god looking the other away?

Pain to triple; my soul does cripple
Never worthy of a blessing; all the while
I was that bad child, as she would beguile

To kiss my skin, it so forcefully commands
Louder, I hear it hissing it’s demands
Promising to take me away to wonderland

Tear streaked face, for I know not, nor understand
I accept the blade, in my shaking hand
Sacrificing my temple; I concede, as it had planned

Bestowed it is embedded into my soul, as a whole
I’ve accepted the heavy weight of lacking control
In the darkness; I now, instead, stand bold!

No longer to listen to the lies born w/in
A blade will never, again, kiss my sacred skin
Instead I pick up my pen & let the purging begin

Thank you for listening….

~Random~

You had built your future based on tomorrow
…..It never does come, is the sorrow
Build it today, just for fun
…..Enjoy those precious memories
For you will not always be young

To Those Who Knew

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Tears to stream, when I think for awhile
Void of years of memories; others covered in a haze
Given up on that recollection, I mustn’t need to recall
It only grants me grief & makes me feel utter incomplete
I have my reasons; that’s all I’m willing to repeat
To let it rest where it is to lay
I have long since passed;
My youthful days
Sitting alone & half crazed
I’m sorry if I ever helped you feel betrayed
I am at a loss, in this life of a maze
Please accept my
Apology
Today!

Stay On Path

Upon this path; I have survived
Wrath of those who wanted me to die
Those who actively had tried
Those who passively aggressively decided to hide
Tucking tails, knowing their sins would be unveiled
Doing their best, to denounce my presence
Thoughts dancing around, in my own mind, to end this time
My mind gets so stuck on rewind; I have to step back but tow the line
A spirit, to which, they wanted to sip the sweet essence
An innocent soul; one they couldn’t capture nor control
I have felt the pain of being unloved
Unwanted, a flat out bother
Abused and dismissed as a child
Berated as a mother
Raped; even being his wife
Sweep it under the rug
My mother drew the final knife
Next year will be the 10th year
My grandfathers passing
My divorce upheld and withstanding
No longer speaking to my mother & family
Moved on my own; doing my best, that I can be
Trying to raise my children, alone; no revolving door home
Their psyche to care and unconditional love to share
Allowing them their freedoms as they dare
Guiding them, hopefully right
I have my doubts and my frights
Horrors delivered to my door all ready
Not sure how much I can further bare
The challenges of motherhood
Nothing does compare…….Stay On Path

Lacking Lucidity Lately

A sweet promise to grant an escape
Smell the iron as you so can relate
Familiarity with the ice cold razor blade

Feeling the steel slowly penetrate w/in
Puncturing deeper into innocent skin
Peeling back the layers of sin

A temple has been bled
Don’t think it’s all in the head
There is history, behind it; instead

Deeper and deeper to slip away
Into the hells of feeling so much; unwell
Punishing myself; you’ll never hear me say!

Suffering & wallowing on stupid shit
Wondering why we have to live w/this
Come on baby…you know you want to

Take that steel to your spots of virgin skin
Damn those scars from days of when
It’s so much harder for it to work; then

Take those razors & run to  hide
Remove yourself from sight
Making it feel that much lesser of a fright

Liquid life of love is what is in your delight
Blood letting of the evils that be redeemed; tonight
Each precise slice slowly spreads; painful delight

Darkest of red; that’s what you’ve bled
Purging the pain in the only way you know how
I resist the voices and temptations; for now

Will it inevitably win out?
Don’t hold faith but more doubt
It can help you to black out…..

Peace out……

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