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Sweet Dreams & Rude Awakenings

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I am to be of blame………

I am to blame for my child’s intersexed genetics??

My child came to me requesting all and any pictures of them as the opposite sex to be removed & not displayed anymore. I had, so I thought, accepted the fact of them (singular) being different. I have never held sexuality as a definition of a person. Whom you love & how one is to feel whole is solely their journey. I have always viewed sexuality as spirituality…it is one’s own journey to what brings joy and happiness void of harm to another.

I digress, I can not remove the past quarter century. I will not deny myself the fond memories & history. When I had spoke MY FEELINGS I got lashed out at by their (singular) tongue of what a horrible mother I am. Since it makes THEM (singular) feel uncomfortable I am to remove it all from my existence as well??? Am I being insensitive & selfish for not wanting to throw away what has always brought me great pride & joy?? My heart bleeds out for the path that is being taken…..can I NOT have my feelings as well? I am being dictated towards and now a form of bullying to get their way by being hostile towards me.

I have done nothing but do what I’ve always done & that’s love my children regardless of orientation. They BOTH fully know this, VERY WELL & I am buffaloed on how this child’s anger & hostility has been mutated & placed onto me because I choose NOT to forget the past that has helped build me into who I am today. It is seriously sad that this child is not proud of their past & their accomplishments & us as a family growing up.

This child left our house at 17 when I had put down an ultimatum: get your shit together & stop the partying or maybe it’s time to go live w/your dad. They (singular) picked moving out & plunged into a dark world of heavy drugs and ill behaviors. I have not seen that child since then. They morphed into someone I am not privy to knowing because “this person” is always coming AT ME not TO ME.

I, also believe, the dr.s are seriously wrong in administering body altering hormones while this young adult is NOT stable in residence, employment, or emotionally. Still on government regulated medication that was to only be in place for a year due to hardcore addictions. It has morphed much longer now. The state is paying for this alteration & not taking into consideration of their patients stability of living situation or other extending environmental factors to the well mental & physical health of their patient.

Shame on them (the dr’s) & I guess shame on me for not being willing to throw away the past quarter century of my life……too!

I close for now…..my health has been pretty poor recently & this as a new stresser is not what I was looking for.

Be Nice

Her love as a mother
Her pain as a daughter
Her mishap; once a wife

Blessed by two not the same
Once chastised by a mother who’s insane
Tak’en a hand of a man who was lame

Acceptance was to have been her motto
Nothing but strife did it bring into her life
No longer door matt’ishly nice

Any to stab her in the back; to be precise,
They should really think twice
She will no longer take it & be your sacrifice

She Butts It

Packing her single stick
She brings it up to her ruby lips
Lighting the very tip of it

Taking in a long draw
She pulled on it like a straw
It was her one nasty flaw

First, the taste on her tongue
Deep into her damaged lungs
Oxygen, it so does expunge

With a small subtle cough
She quietly scoffs
Cursing, once again, to lay off

This to be her very last stick
That will end this horrible nightmar’ish trip
Before it’s too late for her to quit

She Butts It……………

DON’T SMOKE!

FAUCET

It first started with a needle & a prick
13 yrs old and already tired of it
Half hearts & she, still, was never to quit

Behind each lie they tried to sell her
What they had wanted her to believe
Bought, were, when young & naive

Knew not to trust their sweetened words
Always to understandably conceive
They were never to have matched their deeds

Through her spirit; her scars dug deep
The temple she’d given, felt so incomplete
Bloodletting behind the feeling of utter defeat

Her heart, emotionally wrecked, soiled & stained
Speaking, not out loud, about her turbulent pain
They’d berate her intelligence; deeply in vain

Her secret she was solely to let go
An addiction it had seemed to grow
A place where she’d go & no one would know

Her blood, she drew to the paper
Absorbing each word that would spill
Dripping of her pain-filled soul with every drop

Never to fully stop………

DRIP
DRIP
DROP

Penance Was Her Name

Their Ill ways needing redemption
Their deeds of merciless vengeance
Immorality birthed from their conception

Hardship in this world, as you did grow
Foreboding’ly caged & in your mind a zoo
Sanity had slipped past before you knew

Your keeper hath run far to forget you
No more bars nor gates to make you hesitate
It’s time for you to forage ahead; no more dread

Sneers, glares, and back hairs hack’eld
Personalities, those of vicious jackals; displayed
Dankest of their minds exposed; sick serenade

Wanting to be squared away & sane
Reveal what’s inside is a dangerous game
You go to explain, luci’didly, summarily………….

….you broke down & wept…….
Not able to take any more of it
Hiding behind masks chipped, cracked, & w/dents

You mentally undress
Slowly to confess your mess
……..You are clearly insane & inept

A child birthed of vengeance
Life full of torment due to other’s repentances
Yet, that child received a full life sentence

Penance Was Her Name

Two Switch

To fade to black
Don’t need to ask
Eyes glassed over; fallen mask

Screaming & bantering to stop
Wrong choices & decisions
Now made more, than not

Holding on, as long as she’d embrace
Slipping slowly & further away
Into the blackness she’d decided to stay

What has happened
Where’d she go
Who was it now; exposed?

A life, living across the lines
Feeling the shifts & losing time
Unable to explain into rhyme

A personality borderline of some kind
That’s how they diagnosed those kind
No pills or practicality of any kind

Distressed

Blessed be the new day to me
Yet, further in my core it’s crying why it be?
Why another day walking around as me?

Why’s It so hard to be steady?
Why so hard to be ready?
What’s the big fucking deal?

One day it’s blossoms and bliss
Next it’s the devil & she’s pissed
Others not of such significance

Barely able to hear & loss of ability to speak
Screaming help as you’re drown out
Another one has taken your place; checked-out

Back from the mirror you see
A complete stranger to thee
OMG what & who do you be?

A complete mutation of what you’d see
Lesser you look the more your soul is free
Stop counting on others to understand or believe

We all live w/in our rationality
Who’s to say what you believe is not to be conceived
It’s time to set free those hindering falsehoods that be

DID

I’ve lost my mind over time
I feel the shifts as they go amiss
One to pop up and ruin all of it

I see the changes in my thoughts
I wish I could explain more; a lot
It’s like an invasion of someone else’s thoughts

New emotions to permeate the skin & w/in
To twist and manipulate what was just then
Taking over, kinda like, for a friend…only to mend

Fighting for life as one is all ready dead
Too many thoughts creating confusion instead
Needing shifts to just stop within the head

Bantering & berating all, is what they do
It’s really NOT ME but YOU….haha…..who would’a knew
I wish there was a way to tell you anyway…..

…..I didn’t ask or provoke this in such way
It’s so taxing in and of every which way
I’m getting older & tired of living this way

Please help those w/mental illnesses in any capacity

Unstung

Judged
Unluck’ily
Her jealous peers
prying eyes & every jeer

Their heinous girly snarling glares
She, wishing a way, to forever never to care
She, to have always felt to never fully compare

Ignorance hath bee their true blissfulness; indeed
They, to know no better and to get dismissed away?
Forgiven not, their err’ical mis’credences of ways!

Trickery in every word and their very meanings
Wanting no more of foul filled dealings
Slicing still very sensitive feelings

Her condescending family demons
They are misgoverned heathens
Dissing more than real reasons

Her to burn the bridge & run
Live & try to have some fun
That’s where it all had begun

Knowingly, she sees
They meant it
To bee


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