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Sweet Dreams & Rude Awakenings

Poetry, Prose, Blogging, Mental Illness

Aftermath….

I don’t watch the news much or tv for that matter, anymore. I like to dictate what it is I feed my brain. Social media hype was controlled by our gov., all right. Without our knowledge, nor consent, of their mastermind of a design collecting mass information on everyone all the time. Their knowledge & insight, into the addiction of the human mind. I have enough brains to sustain from engaging in such childish games. Their desires to manipulate should alarm everyone spending any time logged online.

I’ve watched, as society unfolds. Leeching off of people’s misery, suffering, and financially out of control. Make a buck off of their bad luck…who’s really getting fucked? Take this pill even tho our society is the reason why you are depressed & feeling stuck. Not our problem…good luck!

Proven, time & time again, w/our factories still allowed to run. Fined for dumping toxic waste into drinking water; opps, their mistake! No matter, the life still trying to sustain in those places; we’ll monitor their pain [what a marvelous medical experiment to gain!]. The LAW is to ticket & fine; no longer shutting down the factory committing the crime(s). It’s not about sustaining life but worshiping the all mighty shiny dime!

Wake-up, we are their meal ticket(s). The more we rely; the more they will control our lives. Who here agrees that greed has become the new deity [in the united, indeed!]

We can all do our steps from mantras, yoga, & food that’s fresh. It’ll cost you, if you want to posses, non-gmo’ed food that’s unprocessed. Waxed & dyed no one knowing the toxins you’ll find or the long term effects of manipulating the DNA at man’s request.

The most precious above and beyond any gold. More expensive than the diamonds, you were told to behold; so THEIR pockets could swell & grow. Foreign children, slavery used, mining those gems for all of you, too! Walk that line w/a one track mind…otherwise, I fear what it is you’ll find!

I digress & reassess what it was I was trying to profess. Clean drinking water is on the line. Filled in plastic bottles to leak. Forced that fluid to drink or fluoridated from the sink. The choice is not yours; it’s what you can afford! Life is no longer considered the priority, anymore!

The war is on us & you’re behind [or blind] if you think they are considering our lives as divine.

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All, I Have Left

Light and fun
Raising a life; from so young
Dreams allowed, to be spun

Not to live a life; how I’d begun
Take that risk; don’t think twice
Never miss what you want to strive

Our time is marked
As the money of the greedy beast
This isn’t heaven; just what we’ve received

Keep eye on YOUR prize [be wise]
Everyone breathes, that is alive!
Don’t deviate to aspire what you desire!

My life, as I thought, to not be witness
Children, I was blessed, even gifted
A purpose, required, for this soul’s existence

Unconditional Love; I bequest….It’s All I Have Left…

From The Block

Referenced to wine
Wrinkled & pruned over time
Long plucked off the vine

How nice & kind
My age spoiled, fermented, & refined?
Pour me out for the homies left behind

Hide & Sought

What should I do?
She hasn’t anywhere to go!
She hasn’t anyone, for her to know

I see; I’d scold her, rightfully so
She was too ravenous
Totally out of any control

She’s left nothing behind
A few fuck off’s; if I was to rewind
Scribbled on the mirror & signed

A fit; I thought & I’d outwit
No more, occupying any of my time
She’d eventually submit…

….I still don’t know where she’s hid..

Help me find her!
I beg of you!
I haven’t a clue!

Shadowed

Wickedness camouflaged completely
Lurking behind every smile she’d meet
Biding their time, if she slips up; they’ll feast!

Subjected to such evil as a kid
It’s not how she wanted to live
Nor willing to behave, as they did

Spying animal’s protective activities
High above, in trees; safely to sleep
Rooftops if not able to blend naturally

Void of the sun’s rays & heat
Shadows lay wait to help aide she
Alone, escaping into the quieted streets

She knew, early on, in her days
Naive, she was, to devious ways
Humans & her; never to be of the same

Best to stay hid & in the shadows to live….

Selfish…..

My mind is sick
How do I know about this?
Who’s speaking on its behalf?

It doesn’t work; it is amiss
Twisted by callously beaten & sexually abused
A child, she broke me, complete subdued

Numerous years later
Why do I hear her in my head
Suggesting I’d be better off dead

So many voices asking why?
What’s the purpose of staying alive?
Nothing but repetitive pain; Just resign!

Your children, whom you failed miserably
Sure, did your best, “as you proclaim”
You traumatized them by being half insane

Undue distress that was not, by them, asked
Never reprimanded or commanded
You submitted to their every demand

Undue suffering you caused those two
All because of your greed to breed?
Never being able to handle your disease!

She continues to pester & persist
Ending life is fulfilling your promised gift! As you had wished
Weak…pondering validity in things she does hiss

Trusting no one; not even my own being
Paranoia set, learning a friend turned enemy
Gazing up to watch the next shoe to fall

A mind traumatized, sickened, and diseased
Easy target for those wishing harm to fulfill their needs
Knowing this truth, helps me understand the reasoning

It doesn’t seem to ease my shifting; quite yet
A demanding mind forced to recollect fearful events
Entire body, turns in effect, into full hypervigilance

My mind screaming in pure fear
I thought it got easier over the years
I wipe my tears thinking of my children I reared

Relinquishing me from the past
Even this very last minute passed
No longer allowing my mind’s wrath

Lessons taught for so many years
They are all lost in the darkness of yore
It is no longer a fact of today’s rewards

Lay it all to rest
Pain that has made me so hypervigelant!
Saved by memories of raising my children…my best….

Regardless of the voices that profess everything less…

Reclaiming my power….over my mind
It will not devour me w/these horrible memories
It wants me to reclaim….it is not mine to, any longer, own

It was to an innocent long ago….awakened as a woman in charge of her own show….

Hi….Nice to meet you!

This is why I’ve always questions a DID diagnosis….my splits are sharp but I am never “vacant” …yes, I confuse times & days & activities during some time frames but …very seldom. I am scared to think…..I don’t want to “split-worse” & hope I’ve always just been partially integrated & can only get better. I don’t speak much about it but it scares me. I just know there are “parts/times” in my life where I am ” completely different” and i see it and i can’t stop it but maybe announce it (even in what i see when I look into the mirror)…..makes me feel like a sitting duck to people who want to take advantage of someone who isn’t always “there” or one who easily forgets when she gets “fucked” over because that’s the only way she’s been able to make it this far…….to know your mental…viewing through this len(s) as I age….i don’t like what i see……never have i wanted to ever expose ‘we’ they are all ME!

Home

Screaming, spitting, & slamming your face
Believing their words of angered hate
Left to ponder, why you deserved such a fate

Raping innocence from a young life
Leaving scars to always think twice
Remembering, not everyone smiling is nice

Heinous acts endured from past
It’s not a reflection of you; you, had never asked
You are not the reason for their atrocious acts

Sexually tortured & physically beat
Sickened by those saying blessings, indeed
Gifting us strength to survive anything

It is abuse & serious twisting of truths
Disdain doesn’t build strength
It isn’t as easy as some to claim

Severing toxic roots from where you grew
New waters to wash off their sicknesses, too
Unconditional love forever to be your guide & bloom

Now that you are grown & realize you are your home!

Kindred

Birthed into this world
Never to be that precious polished pearl
Just the grit of all they did

Soiled upon, by others filth
How do you filter such ill will?
When just a child & incapable still?

Those who’ve walked alone
By no reasons of their own
But what was done to them at home

Violence is something we lack
Ones incapable to strike back
You are my kindred in fact….

MISTAKENLY

seen
saw
tired of it all

past
present
un’happened events yet

Patience a bust
Forgiveness for what?
Trust you had corrupt?

tired of you
tired of me, too
Too tired to feel to continue

Physically caged
Mentally/emotionally delayed
The reason to be here to stay?

Softened heart
A sweet bloody feast
Circling vultures even in family

Manipulated & used
Not by strangers but related too
No one ever, to me; safe keep

Benefits before doubts
Not safe to continue w/this faith
Family & others proved it a heinous mistake

Double Timed

Putting the woman on the street(s)
This was to be equal; not to compete
Why so much division amongst we?

It was to increase the lining in pockets of greed
We needed the workforce to increase
Being a mother has now turned into being lazy

To survive as a family wasn’t their plan
Hook line & sinker most women went to march
Demanding the right to work right along side

Nurturing a family has become a luxury
Two incomes needed for everyone to eat
Leave the blinders on makes this so easy

Children raised by strangers
Furthers their plan, indeed, to divide the family
Dependent and indoctrinated; I do believe

Keeping children off the street(s)
That wasn’t a top priority; sadly
The Jones are out there; ready to compete

All suckered into a world incomplete
Division, we were warned by our fathers
They saw what evil was brewing, after all

Unity use to be the ultimate goal
Worshiping the number of the beast
More important than values to teach

Human-kind & care seems as a disease
Killed by pesticides laced w/greed
Forcing the division of unity….

Taking advantage of suffering souls
Tricking other’s to believe a solid good deed
Actually an evil seed now rooted & did breed

No lord to help humanity…it has to come from us who still breathe…..welcome to a new reality!!!!

What; She’s Always Want(ed)

She’s meticulous and carefree
She’s talented and a bit sloppy
She’s funny and fanciful

Outspoken laced w/an honest confidence
A wish, you’d want to come true to you
Soft on the eyes w/a beautiful smile, kind

She won’t ask for you to change
She’s satisfied w/as things remain
She’s full of funny memories to claim

She’s quick and witty
Quite smart and pretty giddy
Her personality could win over an entire city

In her fanciful dress; she’s such a delight
Her eyes catching the light just right
Enjoying every breath & moment of this life

There isn’t anyone who could steal her light
Never to think of a thought to blindingly taunt
Her reality of the loving life she’s always want(ed)

Bound To Fear Not

This, as I had witnessed, was leaving this being
Released of this binding to flesh of 5 senses left
It isn’t something, I’ve flaunted nor searched meaning

Not something I’ve spoken much of
Hidden between lines incomplete
It’s been what, I typically, safe keep

My first I was so young; I hadn’t knew
I witnessed & learned what bradycardia meant
Reading my medical records of the event(s)

The moment of my heart to crash
Stuck in full labor, child crowning
This was becoming the ending at last

I fell back on the bed; exhausted & spent
Natural birth, to be, my last event
I went empty, rising up high instead

Merging w/the silence in sounds
A unity within the clouds
Peaceful escape of all this that is bound

Chaos broke out around the room
Codes were being called; I think, blue
I no longer became aware of the physical affair(s)

I was past the window into blue skies
Such a beautiful afternoon; all pain left here, too
Void of this physicality within another reality

Serenity….the only sound; as to merge
I didn’t drift off or see relatives I’d lost
Entering into a different realm

Taking my child from my birthing canal
My breath came back into me; somehow
Back to this reality; I was brought down

.fear not, of acceptance, of our last breath in this existence  😉

Thoughtlessnessly

Growing weed is similar to spirituality…
…it is something that you take great care, love, devotion, & time to tending for it to be utmost healthy…w/the slightest of ease, is it attained.

Thoughtless time to be the appreciation & love….we all seek!

Cyclic

The concept of the mind being a different divine
Looking through those magnifying glasses
Looking deeper and deeper, to smaller yet

To realizing the connection on levels; we weren’t meant
It is impossible to unknow of what you’ve been exposed
Unless it’s to the level the mind was blown [dissociation]

To rule as an unkind god
Always our downfall
It is within unity to where we will prosper for all

Why is murderous control, sought by others to behold?
Reading, versions of other’s reality, of heinous deeds
Time to mark; only, to watch it unwind again & repeat

Fallen Fruit(s) False Truths

Fermented fruit(s) are what watered evil’s roots
Aggressive courage to conquer & control
The beast in your belly loves when you let go

Evil exists because we can not destroy it
How do you burn a fire w/a flame?
How do you strike back when you can’t act like that?

Fallen from grace was the fruit to rot & waste
Like typical man, blamed it all on the woman
Consuming waste, twisting thoughts of man’s truths & fates

Fondly Me

My emotions have been a riptide my whole life
This body took the toll of only abuse to behold
Stay “looking” perfect & just right; never fight

Mental meds, self inflicted pain & abuse
My adult years, I lived mostly in mental arrears & fears
Fighting my way out of a mentally drenched paper sack

A family who taught me to hide a lot & trust NOT
Abused as a child; meeting my blood line I, 18 in time
My world felt complete & of safety; they’d keep me

Deviously my mother’s brother was the first to seethe
His time spent w/me was just to coach me for his needs
Why is sex such a fucking sickness amongst men; diseased?

I am the bad weed gone to seed
I write of your wicked deeds; so, carelessly?
Should have not violated an innocent being!

Harmless, is what I’ve heard
Who cares, they were fucked up on alcohol first
Even tho asking for sexual acts as an uncle to prove family in fact?

Does it matter the lame excuse; they were all to use?
Shaming me for telling the family’s dirty truth?
My illusion of being safe, slapped me hard in my face!

As they say, I went from the fry pan to fire
Greasy flames, fed by a family; kinda, deranged
I hadn’t felt strong enough after my child came along

In sickness, I floundered to stay strong; just to belong
Trying to keep my sanity & raise mine not wrong
Sheltering them from the fates I’d escaped

Until my husband paved his way
Turning me into another victim; late in age
In a most unspeakable display of sexual rage

A mother who denounced my worth
Saying he was the best for me; I’d pick much worse
I hadn’t a soul to seek to reach out & help me

As a young child I had promised myself for safe keep
As an adult no one would sexually/physically abuse me
I had enough physical abuse when I had nothing I could do

Yelling & beratement if I needed help; emotional hell
No worries, an uncle who wants to touch you as well
Least not forget the grandpa who slipped senile; they protect..

Yet, it wasn’t their bare titties he grabbed
His hands, lifted under my shirt
Pulling away to run away in pure disgust
[Didn’t talk to him for a year & a month]

10 yrs legally void of extended family life
Divorced 12 if to be told in total
Alone is the only thing that’s kept by my side

My judgment in character proven flawed
Alone for 8, my children, I to stay, present & strong
[mostly from my fucked’up’ness I felt; all along]

The more physical pain, I sustain
The more I am appreciative my children came
I have beautiful memories to share w/both

A smile, I can wholly own
Those two w/their wit alone
They warm my heart like no other will know

I, if this is to be, am grateful to have raised my seeds
No matter how fucked up they might be
They were the ones to replay the unconditional love I gave them in every way….

Blessed, even in, passing away…
I know I gave them the tools I carried
Tried to do my best & stay married

My flawed attempts
My attitude you are your best
Please share the love, I freely gave my best!

I won’t miss you & you not me
You’ll feel me in your hearts
Within our fun memories…

Guiding

Nothing more of anything surreal
Something a bit ancients & tepid in presence
Still holding naivete in her pure essence

She is the helper behind the scenes
She doesn’t like the lime light or being seen
She hasn’t the fantasy as a famous being

No want nor desire to transpire higher
It isn’t about losing any battle nor fight
Not lacking the will nor drive; just trying to survive

Tucked away; behind the curtains she awaits
Unsure w/this body riddled w/in such pain
She feels her time is nearing & she’ll be okay; then

This part of the path might come to pass
It isn’t something unexpected or a surprise
It is what was gifted to her; a promise made by time

Nothing more or less does she plan to find
It isn’t a search of any kind
It is the advancement of this body & mind….

……Know I’ll be fine!!

Life Long

[emphasis on the LONG…this ran on….I’m going to rest my body & set my timer for an hour as to not lay too long]

A stranglehold of a darkness
Trying to continually rape my soul
Trying to devour myself whole

Never to release it’s hold
Ready to let you know you can let go
Not worthy of existing for the pain you sow

Flashes of the past…..grown old
Oh, good gravy…memories….last
I’ll choose to recall days of my children instead

Fuck off w/your dread
My body hurts & I don’t feel well
I don’t know…what the hell…i’m confused
[help?]

I know my children to be gifts
Given when I hadn’t a wish
Still granted blessings in all of it

The look in their eyes as they grow
The connection they know
So many times, keeping me alive

I’m not sure of living this life or bust
I’m not sure why it’s looked down upon; leaving us?
I’m not sure the fuss of going along is?

I’m curious, inquisitive w/out a question; if you will
I’m not sure how ill this body is to be
I’ve been trying to center/rest my best

Tonight, 5-12/13-2019, I refuse to sleep
The pain so intense this morning
I’ve decided sleeping is not worth it!

Not sure how long this body will last
My thoughts are to smile & laugh
Thinking of my children, as little kids; a blast!

Not sure where I had gone wrong
It isn’t a poor me song
It’s a fact of this life and nothing ‘wrong’

We are humans first then (sub)titles
Branded & labeled; accountable & able
Disgraced if you can’t function normal

My mental wellness was not addressed
Boundaries crossed, were my fault; they’d say
It was hidden away; shoved under the rug

Why have I experienced such sickness?
Why am I trapped & bound as witness?
I just wanted a simple existence!

At 18 I met a man w/a gentle heart
He was my life’s dream; but religiously
I was a demon seed; I was, still, to believe

Not worthy of him offing his soul to me
I was familiar w/those words being unwise
Those were warnings signs, of pain, to eventually find

I, once again, ran away
From a sick family & a man pure in deed
As an adult; I was limited as what i’d become

Off to school, I ran…boarding, meals, & pymt too
Got my degree (the only one; I believe)
Met the father of my future seedlings

A mother, I tried, when I found she, inside, alive
Scared & never around any infants or children
His family was to assist but broke their promise

What was my choice?
I was in a shelter; pregnant @ 19
Wishing I didn’t exist & gave up….ultimately…

I subjected myself to messed up things
I would have never thought to dream
Exposed to values I would have gathered not

The father of my child was rougher than not
Never struck me or argued a lot; I needed a protector
A physical defender of my passiveness in natural nature

Financially he never allowed us to stand
Blamed my mental neediness on his laziness
How I needed to be working but inept keeping us debt deep

Instead of seeking me treatment
He’d keep me tucked away
Mending most my wounds the best of that day

This I thought, he knew better than me
Reaching out to my family, was worse; I believed
Most their history, was abuse towards me

I kept trying to fill those standard shoes
Going to college while raising my child, too
Trying to act like nothing wrong or askew

Play face, I knew this role from birth practically
It wasn’t anything new..my sister was crazier
Bless her resting soul…she was heavily used 😦

My mental distress was much less
Yet, hindered much of my development
I was able to play face better than the rest

Looks determine your success
It can also hide the crazy the best
Never to think someone so innocent could think of it

We are the aftermath of a fucked up past
We are the creations of accidental deeds
Never wanted nor watered; starved as a weed

Strangling a hold well into my adulthood life
After he raped my soul; two, alone, I was to atone
He took my body w/out my consent & forced his intent

He knew that one and only boundary
Please never hurt me physically
My last hope to my existential being

He never swung a hand or raised his fist
His act was much more devious than that
Naked & forced to continue as I couldn’t fight back

Years of therapy; a past, came crashing back
A time when I was too young to take control
Whimpering to cry by their sicken painful adult crimes

I couldn’t sleep nor eat
Mentally, I was slipping, very deep
Spoke to my mother; in complete defeat

Under the rug; just as the “inappropriate hug”
Just as the brother had asked to touch her adult kid
Sweep everything into a lump & sit on your rump

You’re too mentally ill..to be w/anyone else better, to love you
…her actual words were…
”you will not find anyone that loves you more than him”…..my translation came first [that hurt]

Sadly, I had to stand firm; not by complete choice
It was something I had promised, my small inner voice
The one who protected me when I could make no noise

In my adulthood, I could accept not
It was a wish, I had gifted, for keeping me safe
The witness to my disgrace; protecting my innocence

I walked on w/out their father along
I could not raise my children w/that type of wrong
He had ruined my only trust I had in this life

I never thought he’d prey on him being more strong
His point of being a man was more important
Painfully taking…as I’d beg to scream for him to be stopping…..

20 yrs of my life sliced deeply wide
My only trust took my last fiber of a life
I’ve learned to rewind to just my children’s time
[when those thoughts come thrashing to mind]

How fucking could you, with our history?
Shame on you, knowing all the dirty misdeeds to me
Drugged up & on the streets, is being too kind to thee

Everyone gets to numb their pain
Yet, here I sit, being labeled the one insane
It’s the things, I’ve seen & been exposed to, freely

Physically present but vacant more than I’d thought
Caught in a mental haze more than a lot
Constant bereavement I got caught

If this is the start of my exit to physically stop
I hope that I don’t become a burden on my children
I’ve just felt sicker each day to progress

In the event you are one that I’ve been blessed
Thank you for taking this journey w/me
I am welcomed to know love exists even to us outcasts!

With me you’ll always fit…….
…..regardlessly……
……. just, bring your wit & smile a bit 🙂

[sorry I talk about more morbid shit…this is my ventilation of emotional baggage. Thank you for the visit……]

Horrific Morning, Happy Mother’s Day….

I sound crazy when I try to describe how my pain has now been generating from “inside” me; as well. My back is still very much aching/burning ..

I got up this morning w/incredible “internal” pain (mostly sides of back generating around to the front of my hips, low abdomen) I slowly got out of bed. Resting for a second trying to catch my breath as the pain, is so intense it, steals my breath until I’m awake enough to ‘manage’ the flood of firing going off. I stand up & my insides feel ‘weighted & sloshing’ around inside my body cavity & w/any movement it ACHES so sharp…

Oh…my…..Instant, reflex…I feel as if i’m going to cry. I CAN’T cry my throat starts to to swell up & I start feeling as if I can’t breathe. Yeah, breathe…keep calm….move slow. You know the longer you are awake the better you can cope w/this. The self talk helps; a lot.

I manage to the bathroom. I can’t hold or touch any part of my body (stomach/hips/back area) it’s so painful my own protective touch hurts at moments like these. I’m not even sure what to touch. The pain is deep inside me…

The longer I’m awake the internal pain is easier handled (mind you, I keep vigilant on keeping hydrated through out the day). Then kicks in the skeletal pain (my back). Wow, what a mess. I medicate w/cannabis which I wont’ be able to after today. I am okay for now. (sigh)

This back pain is fire…burning. Worse is midback….just not as loud as my insides when I wake up.

I get sharp pains that goes up the sides of my neck & stops as piercing pain behind my ears. That’s not constant & feels like swelling of my neck & then pain shoots up, directly behind either ear. Once it generated across to my right eye. Pretty intense & my right eye ached for awhile after.

My folate serum is low (w/normal b12), My H & H is high & RBC. Last year this time it was low platelet count of 36 (low is 140; they weren’t sure how i was walking but now they question & don’t do enough diagnostic to figure out my pain?) (figured it was my antipsychotic for the low platelets –which i was the one to dx & removed off of it & platelets went back to normal but still dx’ed w/Thrombocytopenia & now…polycythemia? )

My 15 stairs makes me winded & my leg muscles ache so badly. After making a meal (½ hour) my back won’t let me stand any longer w/out going to a level i’m afraid I won’t be able to cope with. I take a seat.

 

[Just too many symptoms 😦   ] I know this 😦

((my whole body feels inflamed & i’ve been, when i can, consuming my balanced ‘snacks’ & making sure i stay hydrated!!))
29.8 THC/ 30 MG CBD, 2 dabs & a bowl of herb, baclofen, anxiety med, & mood stabilizer.

Besides the horrific feeling of resorting to such things to ease this pain; I haven’t any choice. Okay, that’s a lie. I could sit/lay down in this insistent pain & manage w/reaching meditation or try to medicate my reactions to this pain & still ‘function’ at least not ‘zoned’ out. Lazy, I guess by not meditating, after dealing w/this non stop for over a month now; I’m beyond exhausted/fatigued…I’d like to, at least, stay cognitive. I have no ‘relief’ from the ‘pain’ but I have a dulling of my sense’s to the actual reaction to the pain inside.

Ahhh….just made me something to eat (like you wanted to know that….this is not twitter….lol) Yeah, but..um, a spinach, tofu, & mozz. Pinwheels using puff pastry. These are the benefits to a bit of ‘release’ of the pain’s relentless grip. Able to give yourself a simple ..yummy, meal ..light on the system (minus the mozz.) So very difficult to eat when in pain (of any form); for me, anyway.

There are endless debates on the use of cannabis w/people who’ve been diagnosed w/mental disorder(s). I am not an advocate because it works for me. Cannabis is just as ANY other substance, man made or environmentally formed, that is ingested will react w/individual chemistry….INDIVIDUALLY! I know, from my experience, it helps elevate my mood when using a sativa. I stay away from indica unless in pain. I wasn’t introduced to the use of maryjane until around 34/35. Understanding FIRST the medicinal values of it. I would have never tried it if there wasn’t substantial evidence, at that time, in treating migraines & shrinking tumors (as in my brain) as well as many others. Those two stood out to me the most & I received my medicinal card to acquire cannabis from a medicinal clinic (sometimes travel was required). Doesn’t mean I condone use for anyone….means I took an educated guess, after my own study, & rolled the dice on whether it would work for me or not. Migraines are next to nil now & my glaucoma has not progressed. When needed higher CBD is used w/THC to help w/pain relief. I can not afford to medicate daily w/cannabis. Very thankful & makes my mothers day better (wish it were naturally)

Enjoy your day….

Knew Knot

A will of an understanding
I saw the sign in the sky the night I took flight
I had asked for a signal that I was doing right

It didn’t flash once but twice
Then it completely vanished out of sight
Not drifted away but invisible right away

From that night…I knew not the promise it had sent
I hadn’t an understanding of what it was to represent
I hadn’t the knowledge, as such a young child; just yet

My path turned twisted and dark
The days of abuse was just my start
Conditioning of this brain taxing every day

If I had known so clearly my path
I didn’t, the abuse couldn’t continue to last
The beatings where getting worse and worse

I thought next was my death; at last
I started wishing my dreams of no longer be-ing
Taken far from such horrific displays

To counter most thoughts; others to believe
I know it was my Chi; that most can’t see
Actively protecting my sanity; inside me

This sensitive nature is not of most
It isn’t of something for all others to grow
It is gifted & what you do is free will to choose

Either teach the thoughts that are to spill; a lot
Stay silently tucked away from this horrific society
So much pain & suffering to keep you insane

So much to say, looking more crazed….
For now, I break away….Enjoy your Saturday!

Ground Breaking

Never able to relate
No stories, of similar things, to correlate
Lost in an empty abyss is where my past exists

This isn’t the same as nothingness less
Learning w/out roots hasn’t been a whole truth
I came to be; I fondly miss the unity

I thought family was where true trust was the core
It isn’t of where we came but birthed into this form
We hadn’t the choices of who watered this soul & mind

Dependent, we were deployed, in every aspect
To be raised a certain way, wasn’t guaranteed either way
Sensitivity was beat to hell & back; till I’d fade to black

She couldn’t break this inner being; even if she did see it in me
A seedling not weedling, waiting to break free
Fears she fed for years; until, I broke, physically free

DOESn’t Matter

I awoke when I had lost all hope
Suicidal idealization had me choked
Whispering lies, saccharin sweet; it spoke…

Hissing, “Living this existence, would be best, 6 ft. deeper than the rest”
I hadn’t the energy left to will this life; breath to receive
Reasons transgressed; depressed in me

Knowing nothingness to accept
Totality in all unity of Chi to exist
It’s about the raw flow of energy present (gifted)

Connections made while I sat ½ crazed
Wondering which way; I should end this day
Gifted w/knowing of nothing less nor more

Keep an open heart to know; this is blessed
The innocence was just your Chi at rest
Keeping pure; no matter, the incidence(s)!

 

Whack

I tried my best
I gave all I could at request
Why’d you take what you could get?

You crushed my whole life; as mother & wife
Don’t you see you destroyed who I use to be
A nurturer and wife of two to tend to succeed

How dare you blame me
Telling the kids if only I’d love you back
After you raped me…really…..you gotta be, wack!!!

Surer Than Not

Not only conditioned
Beat into complete submission
You realize your life is in their hands

You better not bite…..do as you can
Survival is about being quiet not right
Don’t let them hear you hiss to breathe

Hold it in, if you must…..

Stop the brain from thinking too much
Knowing the pain will subside once again
No one to know what had transpired

Don’t you dare breath a word; I’ll call you a liar
Who’s going to believe a devil child like thee?
Can’t you see, I have total control over your whole being?

There isn’t a moment I’m not right behind you waiting
I even watch you, when you are, sound asleep
Step out of line & let you know who’s boss again [discrete]

This pain is flashing me back deep
A place I don’t like to visit or even keep
Memories I wish’ed weren’t rooted in me

Silently to suffer painful misery
Knowing there is no hope for me
I believe I’ve slipped mentally
[This pain is hard for me to keep receiving; endlessly]

Wanting no one around me
Let me whither in my pain discretely
Don’t torture yourself w/my idiotic crybaby pout

Tears can’t flow or my passage does close
I’ve dulled my pain by medicating my brain
Sadly, the surges break through & misery ensues

Down memory land; brain driving the train
Making stops when I thought the pain would not stop
Showing me I made it through things I thought worser
[at that moment, surer than not]

Past Or Failed?

Glutton for punishment
I use to think; I sought
It wasn’t, really, what I had thought

I knew my judge, in character, was flawed
I just didn’t know, how to stand strong
I was unsure of where, I was; to belong

My fate, drove me, not to hate
I hadn’t the dreams of frivolous things
I wanted a home to call my own

Security & safety, alone, I had to try & provide
I had two young children at my side
I couldn’t let them down like mine tried

My home was wrecked by a heinous act
Destroyed what I had thought of a family man
Desecrated my whole meaning of a womanly being

Boundaries crossed, I’ll take my loss
I tried my best…nothing do I regret
Maybe being inept at certain events
[to my children’s distress]

I did my best…..is it the end of this test??

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