She takes a much need seat & tries to settle in for the evening. She just finished deep cleaning the house; trying to expel some of her overbearing energy. She never lets it get dirty enough, to succeed in, depleting all of her nervous energy but makes her body a bit more tired; in hopes her mind will follow. She knows all her floors in her house need scrubbed but her body is refusing to be on her knees for an additional 2+ hours. That’s on reserve for another day. Earlier, she actually left her house & ran errands & spoke w/some friends [that’s where her nervous energy comes from]. She did miss her therapy appointment; so, she’s unloading on me(us)….I’m here to let her decompress & in the process share with you; if you care to read any further….don’t worry, she doesn’t ‘mind’…….It’s all but slices of her fragmented wandering mind……maybe we can sort some things out?
She’s finally turned the lights low & cleared her workspace of ‘clutter’. Her steamy creamy coffee, ashtray (gag), and a bottle of water are all she has w/in her reach; all that she needs. She turned off her phone hours ago & is playing music on the TV, at a whisper’s tone. Through her sheer curtains, she watches as, it starts to darken outside. It draws her, momentarily, into the magical world of transformation. All worries reprieved, for a moment of stillness, as the breathtaking occurrence enraptures her spirit. Mesmerized by the cast of the blinding grey hue on everything in her view. Beauty in the darkness that starts to envelope every corner of her gaze. She’s transcended, for a second, into a soothing silence that’s being embraced by the pressing lightlessness.
….…back into reality…….
Her mind is snapped into being restless. She can’t fully unwind due to her youngest not being home; yet. He should have been, which creates anxiety to her all ready heightened awareness overload that she’s been feeling since getting home after her errands. She has unfeignedly worried herself sick over him. He’s not ‘towing’ the line in many aspects [neither has she; ever!] and she feels at a total loss in guiding him in the right direction….how does one do that when they’ve never done it themselves? She’s frozen in her tracks. Her words are going unheard and she’s melting down. Overwhelmed by thoughts of too much sand has buried her chances of building him into a righteous man. The foundation she once felt to have…had, long ago, crumbled for she took his foundation away the day he saw her filleted by her own hand. He reached out to get her help, he was only 13 when he was pushed into adulthood by her act of self-harm. She regrets, in her life, only that single day. No other day can she tell me where she doesn’t feel more remorse. She took away her young child’s “security”…the only parent he has ever had devoted in his life was covered in blood and reaching from her thigh to wrist begging & sobbing to make it all stop; what a horrible fortuity for him to have to face at such a young age (even, ever at all). With that bleeding regret; she also, is battling her comprehension of how the male species behaves and their totally different logical deducting and emotional development [brains?]. Don’t get me wrong….she’s always felt connected to her children; from the start. Yet, she feels at a loss of wholly knowing her boy(s) and the mortifying awareness of all the areas she’s lacking in.
She’s feeling very inadequate on keeping her last child on the right path; regardless of the excuses/reasons…..her own battle with her mental health makes her cower that much more. She feels to be dreadfully hurting two birds w/one stone and is fighting the feeling of being suffocated by the lack of options available, to her, to get help to prevent losing her son to the streets ……to assist in stopping the progression she believes to see the start of.
She’s being faced w/a challenge to be a more authoritarian style parent before she loses him to immature choices that last a lifetime. She so wants to give him a sense of confidence that he’ll always have a home where ever she’s at…give him back that foundation she took away from him at 13 [he’s now 17]. To have him know he’s complete and to never feel inadequate in anything he puts his mind to accomplish. She truly feels weak in her own security of herself to be that guide in such a world that they both know …she knows not of. Why would he ever listen to her, knowing, she knows only by study and not action.
Well, before we go any further, I feel compelled to tell you a piece of her history…….She originally was pretty adamant about NOT having children. She knew she was deficient in many ways & was, at a young age, afraid of the ramifications of the exposure to her ‘disorders/idiosyncrasies’ on any of her offspring …even the people she’d be around; be it biological or environmental. [She still stands firm in believing those with mental disorders, to which, it intrudes/influences/ruptures on a daily …should not reproduce.] Please don’t hate her for her ideology & respect that she cares for “all”…and wants what’s best for these generations to come. She, herself, was advised against the second child by her therapist and psychiatrist.
She didn’t listen, either……
She went against all recommendation due to her biological clock screaming at her to share one more time. She almost died in the hospital 8 yrs earlier, with her first child, but was still driven to procreate. It took her 2 yrs to conceive.
Now….17 yrs later, she knows not the answers nor where to turn….it had been so much easier for her when he was younger. She has always been a doting mother & has always shown her child(ren) unconditional love but is VERY weak in disciplining and has serious issues w/being in public places for any length of time [just to name one].
She is not being hyper-vigilant but some great fear does stem from her feelings of letting down her first child in his late teen years & doesn’t want to repeat her mistake. Her eldest left a month before he turned 18 because he wanted to live w/his carefree father instead of stepping into becoming a more responsible adult; as she was asking. That broke her heart as she watched, helplessly, as he traveled down the road of drugs with his father. He was an all-star in academia and sports. Very extroverted & confident, as he fully enjoyed school w/a passion. He excelled in areas that his mother always cringed about. Her first born was always think later personality type. Almost, everything his mother wasn’t, is where he excelled. He has always going full steam ahead when he was doing things. That includes his 7 yr drug addiction. She questions how she could have approached the situation better to where she wouldn’t have lost him to his father’s seedy environment. Maybe she should have fought that last month to get him into counseling of some sort while she still had the ‘control’ w/age instead of just turning coat and letting him leave. This drives her farther out of “her” comfort-zone to try to help guide her youngest @ 17 that is trying to be wayward.
I speak of her second son, the one she’s still trying her best to guide, came along 10 yrs after her first. She had planned her second pregnancy, instead of the universe doing the choosing. It was her turn to prepare to share the love that she had learned & experienced with her first child; with another. She felt more sure and confident of herself; at that time. She named him after a “Great” man and found humor when he started, by his own creativity, writing his last name “King”.
She has learned more about life and unconditional love than she ever dreamt possible. She’s always felt ‘blessed’ by her children and in the second breath breathe fire for those contemplating children when living w/a mental disorder or history of abuse because she knows & sees beyond her little scope of a window & into the grand scheme of things and raising children while you yourself struggle w/depression and or any other mental disorder….sure, a much bigger heart…..but battling their own vicious demons and no matter how hard they try, it spills out & overflows affecting ANYONE in proximity [especially long term]. Sure we need empaths but we need healthy empaths.
As she struggles to keep herself in check [present] and guiding a young man of 17 has been very difficult w/out any guidance or assistance, say….from their father [homeless druggie]. She has always willingly carried the weight of her children on her shoulders. She’s been, if anything, a very devout mother.
She’s now, blown out the candles around the house; extinguishing their fruitful scents. She can now breathe, a sigh of relief, because her son finally got home from the YMCA. She wanted to be stern upon his return for him not following through and coming home first [this is reoccurring]. Let alone the fact that he didn’t get to school until lunch time. She also feels that she’s truly exhausted her words. She’s used all the words she knows of & he keeps disrespecting her simple house rules that are only in place to qualify routine, structure, home responsibilities, and a healthy loving environment. She is having a hard time addressing his decision making & guiding him towards a possibly easier life on this planet by succeeding in learning as much as possible And ENACTING on it. He is so much like her and that, in itself, mentally plays havoc on her too. She can recall her aptitude during those years and in her heart she knows he doesn’t need her repetitive words and he’s very aware of what he needs to get done to be ‘successful’….….She’s known he’s been in need of a role model. Someone he looks up to for that ‘male’ aspect of development and not just peers. She knows she can not provide that alone; logically.
5 hours later…..
She’s been back home 3 hours but was stuck driving around in the raining blackness, she was earlier admiring, for 2 hours. Upon her son’s arrival home, he shortly came downstairs [after they were talkin in the kitchen making dinner] He asked her if she could take a friend of his home from the YMCA. She expressed the gas situation on not being ‘good’ to be driving all over. He assured her that it wasn’t the town over; just half way. Her first thought was to protest, since it was raining, dark & her night vision is not good; she, instead agreed & off they went. She not only drove a whole town over but then BACK and down the OTHER hwy to the OTHER town over?!?! Okay, she was really about to lose her mind. She started hearing …”See this is how a good deed goes bad,” ….The gas gauge is now dancing to an all new position than she’s ever seen. Her son & friend were talking so low she couldn’t hear and was about to lose her cool. She broke down & lit a cigarette and started traveling back towards her town & the friend recalls halfway back to town the street they needed to turn on. Luck of the draw because she was headed home; hopefully, if there was enough gas left and then have someone that knew where the friend lived, in the sticks, to pick them up at the house & have them take the friend home. She was very nervous about running out of gas. Well, she let her son know that he might be walking w/the gas can & pandhandling for some $$ for two gallons. The nervous laugh almost reassured him that it might have been a joke. She let him know, the joke was going to be on him. They made it home & her son was very grateful and said he would be home at lunch w/two gallons since the car can’t make it back to the gas station. It was now 9:30pm when she sat down.
Her muscles are tight, her mind is spun, and her feelings don’t want to come undone. It’s now past midnight, the cat is sound asleep and so is her son. She’s, left up, to ponder………….
Let’s not make this existence futile…..
She’s been selfish by turning her phone off earlier in the day. She’s been busy chewing my ear off when not tending to the kids. She’s told me how spent she feels. I’m no sure what that means. She leaves me hanging, once again, from hearing a noise in her hallway. She wanders the house checking doors & lights. She ends up amongst her plants. She takes notice to their shapes, water needs; while brushing leaves & talking to them. She rearranges them & prunes what needs to go. Her cat following between her feet, she stands back to inspect her plants & positioning. She notices that she almost made a triangle out of them [just one was a little askew of a straight angle.] She debated on ‘fixing’ that…and left it up to chance, instead. Everything clean & quiet she comes back down to visit w/me.
She knows she should seek her sheets; right about now [by means of taking her medication]. Against, her own advice she wants me to listen a little bit more; I oblige …do you?
She’s a multitude of perplexities; never knowing which is in of the reality…..Oh, to peak into her mind. To break her gaze; look away. The distance is more than just in her eyes; she’s regressed inside. She is told to file her past…She’s pondered this, a spell. Her source, she knows means, nothing but ‘well’. Her best interest is what is upheld. The simplicity of the words brings great curiosity to her mind. Which angle would you like to know from?
She tries to calm her mind by talking to me…or better yet, writing to that other soul(s) out there that might understand all of this.. She doesn’t like relying on medication, nightly, to carry her into sleep. That has been her only haven and when sedated she doesn’t get to have her adventurous dreams and sometimes that means waiting awhile for sleep to set in due to daily activities & feeling overstimulated.
Her cat jumps up into her lap & joins her for a spell. She, yes…once again….is diverted to tending to her cat’s lovin’ session. It’s 2am and he’s not use to her being up this late. She has been pretty faithful, against her own wishes, taking the medication most regularly. She is determined to at least not lose all her marbles….what do you think? Lost cause? Hahah….
I’m trying to convince her to just call it quits today & take the medication. I think she’s having too much fun doing this!!!
[[Honestly, I don’t mind, I like to be around once in awhile & am always available to help others…why not myself with a little help from you? I am nothing till you read these words. Her story is told through your comprehension to birth the meanings to which you read…without you; I am not me!]]