Here I am in the middle of a mild episode. What do I mean, one might ask…..I can’t seem to feel comfortable in this skin “mine”?. It’s crawling on me. Feels like ants searching for their queen. Yet , I am the host minus the royalty.

My tears are lining my eyes every second of the day. Anything that would evoke ANY emotion streams my tears. I am not comprehending WHY our bodies must “adjust” to where someone is hurt & in pain for no reason at all…NOT PAIN….that’s strictly physical for me in reference. HURT is what I feel deep in my core. HURT! The twisting of my soul. No rest for me because my soul is so discontent if it could it would have left me by now. I HATE feeling so out of control over my feelings.

On a bit more personal note. I fought tooth & nail the other night to NOT cut. I will only explain this far: when I do cut my hurt inside has a place to escape out of…..hurt-letting. (blood letting)….anyway, I DIDN”T …..oh lord was it hard to resist such a sure way of knowing my tears and inner hurt would stop. Now I sit here w/the remnants of hurt inside festering more & more

I never thought I’d try to even contemplate to tell anyone what it’s like to be me right now. I remove myself a lot throughout the day (remove myself —fade out to not let EVERYTHING influence my reaction via emotional charge) I seriously HATE myself during these times….i do not like KNOWING I haven’t the fortitude to moderate my reactions and my emotions from flowing so freely. I get even more sad when I think of what a bummer of a woman I am to be around. I have a depressive personality and find myself on the low so much. Why would ANYONE want to hang out w/a downer?!?!?! Wish people would understand it’s hard for us to LIVE with US TOO!!!!! Some compassion and atleast a second of understand NONE of US want to be this way!!!!!

It took my 14 yr old son to tell me I’m going to be okay & I will get through this one as I had the last. It took my 14 yr old son to rub my back & just let me know he’s there for me to snap me out of wanting to slice and dice. Yes, crude but it is defacing property of perfection (according to many bibles; a temple).  I tried reaching out to a b/f and a friend and neither could I tell them how badly i was doing and how awfully hard it was getting to not take that sleek razor to my skin.  I ended in my bed sobbing so hard I lost my breath………fighting crazy is exhausting.

My heart goes out to those of you who know what i’m talking about!  Those that don’t know how it feels, maybe this has shed a millisecond of light on the subject.

peace out,

C

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