Would I scare you if I told you I “feel” there are many separated parts to me.   I will sit in my mind & banter back and forth w/these parts of me.   They will have all different standpoints in life and maybe the question/problem I’m trying to solve is analyzed from many positions . It feels like separate parts because the conclusions and logical deducting going on are all from different STRONG standpoints.    Like others, I tend to, sometimes, sit in my mind a bit too long. The saying “lost in thought” is a common thing to happen to me.   Not, by any means, daydreaming for I believe/feel I do not dream. It’s kinda like window shopping….Oh, LOOK you really like that A LOT hahahaha…..neener neener you can’t get it!!!!!   So, yeah…..I’m not a fan of dreaming —it’s hard enough for me to stay in reality/ the moment.  Thought is powerful….and to wish or dream, I realize it can make it a reality; eventually. I will strive for that the best I can to change the negativity I harbor in my heart that always creeps up and bites me in the ass!  Anyway, I digress…..These “parts” of me….they make me double, triple, and quadruple (second) guess myself.   I have a VERY hard time trusting myself……hard to explain but here goes. I have not been out for my best interest for a long time (4yrs & counting) I have been doing things and behaving poorly …my moods all over the charts. Desperate to find some drug to calm this beast down that rages inside me @ times.. This beast is rearing it’s ugly head and i gotta stop it….so why not expose me for all that I am……i resort to verbal diarrhea….ramblings…..dribble that need not be shared.    I have been told numerous times that it’s not in my best interest to expose (notice the word) these things about myself. Makes me a target….prey ready to be pounced on.   I use to fear people (go figure) my mother helped keep me scared behind my doors. Being told to NEVER trust anyone outside of family was the worst thing to happen. To be told to stay in a horrible relationship/marriage, was MUCH worse, because she STRESSED how I am mentally unstable & incapable of taking care of myself or anyone else for that matter and no matter what there will be no man that will be able to tolerate you & love you more than the man that had raped you after 17 yrs of marriage….to be told ONCE again in my life that disrespecting myself by not telling and speaking my pain….to tuck away under the rug and hope no one lifts it & finds all the dirt hidden away.  I hurt as a 34 yr old woman….hurt bad and, once again, was told I was NOT important and my happiness was worthy to be sacrificed; no matters….trash, unlovable, toxic, mentally unstable …..and the list I can tell you how i feel till the cows come home…..I won’t continue….I will part for I’m feeling ill…..mentally…..I am unstable but that is within myself….I don’t normally share what I FEEL….and if you read this far……thank you for caring enough to read till the end. A slice of this twisted & neurotic mind…

 

God Bless

 

 

……Love, Candee……

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