What a day….!
I went and visited with a friend today. I say that in a very nonchalant way but friends for Candee is VERY rare. She usually doesn’t make friends easily because she wants to connect on a level other than, “how’s the weather.” When this type of friendship has been harnessed/forged it usually goes corrupt. What I mean is that the other person (be it male female) get drawn to me sexually. Those have been my experiences. I am not saying it happens to everyone and that it’s uncommon. It’s obviously NOT uncommon for it to happen to me but I carry a kind of shame…..Like is there something wrong w/me. I do not dress provocatively and have my manners about me 85% of the time. Because I want to talk about how things tick and what is the motivation behind things ect……I want to LEARN. Yet, that connection comes at a price when you’ve invested your time and energy into someone to have them stab you the most sacred way! <sigh>
I had been taken advantage of until I was around 34…that’s when I had had enough of everyone around me constantly checking my boundaries. I was a young child abused by a step mother, I had an uncle on my mothers side, when I was 17, try to flipping kiss me when he was drunk…..a grandpa that took certain liberties on accident….and an ex husband that raped me. OHHHH HUSH HUSH…..i can hear you guys out there……….omg I can’t believe she said that….oh, it can’t be true. Well, I wonder what it has/was that kept putting myself in harms way; BY BEING AROUND family. Everyone get ready for it to be BRUSHED under the rug……My empathy goes out to you all for the sickness you breed w/the future seeds. I had to break away…disown that which hurt me….and that was “all of you”……..mocking my sensitive nature, belittling me & my intelligence, the constant backstabbing, I left a world that treated me poorly only to jump into the fire. Trapped for years under the misguided hand of someone who meant well???? idk where the lesson is except for a lot of the time I feel hatched. I had no mother (she was a junkie) and was busy drinking & drugging my ½ sisters childhoods away….as my father was a workaholic & drunk (as to why he never took notice to the abuse I received)……I tried turning to God….yet…..she still kept creeping into my room at night…….he failed to tell me this life was going to be excruciatingly painful at times. Jesus was resurrected after his trauma he got his relief in a sense…and reborn…….
HOLY SHEEP SHIT…..i don’t expect anyone to read this really. This one is more like a diary post than anything other than.
I digress, the friend I visited with, the topic through most of it was spirituality. His name is “Net”…..he’s much older than I and resembles someone I would classify as a father figure. We all have a purpose and mine is to serve…..and learn…….he’s of the same mentality (similar) his remorse for his past is genuine and his sincerity to do better each day is refreshing……..
I will close for now….my shoulder is hurting….much love & light my friends……..for those of you who read all this….thank you for listening to me!