So, it’s actually the next morning now. I was so exhausted yesterday. Whenever I HAVE to address certain things (typically pertaining to me and my feelers) I get so exhausted and plain drained. It is SO hard having a mental disorder (which you KNOW when things aren’t going right as long as no disassociation takes place) and being in a relationship. I have a hard time coping w/me and trying to stay balanced for my son. Add another adult in the mix w/their own ideas and outlook and future for that matter…..screws me up. Am I the only one? I use to drive myself even more insane when I would try to dig deeper and try to find the reasons to my ‘shifts in moods’….and my thought pattern. <sigh> To no avail I am having a hard time finding my triggers.
On to what my plight was yesterday; I did talk w/my b/f as direct and open as I possibly could. He was very receptive (yesterday) and was compassionate & caring. He chose his words carefully (i could tell) and over all made me feel secure (again) in our relationship. The snowball affect (effect? I always fuck those words up!) is quick to happen to me and my thought pattern in 90% negative. The 10% is what i struggle to achieve on a daily basis. I even try to brainwash myself w/those self help videos & audio tapes of positive reinforcement because (sadly so) i never received those “atta boys” or “way to go” or “keep up the good work.” Those have always been void in my life right along w/compliments on my appearance. MY ex husband of 17 yrs made sure that no compliments where given. At our divorce he told me …..”I thought you knew” What a JERK! I brought him UP (from the grave -sortofspeak-) because he is the ONLY I have to base facts and predict the future ….yeah yeah ….EVERY situation is different and it’s not the best idea to ‘base’ it or ‘compare’ it to anyone else; (let alone someone who violated my trust after 17 yrs….not by stepping out wish it was….much more evil than that) it is just bad ‘mojo’….LOL
Okay, I digress…..I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop (like i usually do) i am trying my hardest to take it day by day and not jump to conclusions or make up in my own mind the scenarios to which I THINK is going on…..I can’t trust my instinct because I’ve made some horrible mistakes by listening to my instinct and now question every little thing I’m about to make a decision on……I need not be sorry anymore & I just need to make better choices.
Thank you for listening to me….Much Love & Light….I wish everyone a blessed day!
(I apologize for being so long today)