I exhaled a big plume of smoke. Slowly I take a tiny sip of my sweetened coffee. I’ve started to contemplate lighting a cigarette; considering what, I think, I’m about to talk about. Is there such thing as a secret. If there was no originator then it’s really no secret.
It takes 2 to make a secret + 1 to break it= 3 to turn it into a rumor. Kkrg.
I could tell you, prior to conception, my “parents” were brother & sister-in-laws. My conception was a mistake on my mothers part due to her ex husband was my biological dad’s brother. I call me a vengeance fuck….I’m sure there are many other ways to view the conception and birth of another living creature….’eh, come on! Brass tacks of how I was conceived was a vengeance fuck….I’m okay w/it (really).
Well, I would love to talk more about birth to current….BUT…….it’s a pretty twisted tale & the beginning was only to get your palate whetted…….but that’s not what I’m being drawn to write about. Maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear this or I just need to expel it for once & all.
I am going to share a secret story. It will now become a secret because, as it implies, it will now be something you can not discuss with anyone other than me. Pinkie swears??? <let’s leave the needles & eyes outta this one>
Are you beyond ready for me to share & create a secret w/you? Have I bored some of you to already “turn the page” (guess, I wouldn’t know that answer) LOL….
Okay, as you can guess, with such a buildup, that it’s hard for me to “spit” this out. I’m not sure where it will take me and if I’m so ready to go on this ride. (holding breath)
I was in my early teens, maybe 12, I am horrible w/time/ages [it was never of my concern, for most of it’s blacked out] It started when I was put in the FIRST run away shelter (might have been in Lantana FL. Not sure…many years have since passed). The police were very familiar in seeing my face in the shadows of the night. They use to hunt me down (literally) and I’d hide in bushes & on top of houses. They would eventually catch up with me and back to my house they would cart me. (started at 9yrs old)….Finally the first shelter opened up for runaway children. Blessed to be in a safe place since A LONG TIME of running away. Well, I digress, I was about 12 and that night at the runaway shelter I had an experience. I’ve shared this w/one other person (now that I think about it—my current b/f)…..but not in “detail” like i’m about to…..I had a personality split [the only thing i know to call it w/out seeming crazy]. There were about 6/7 of us kids in a room. We were all suppose to be sleeping. Later that night I reach next to me & grabbed this other child’s hand & start praying for the child (I don’t even remember the gender; these days) & told this child I was “Jesus”….oh, lordy….it gets worse….So, I have this child in tears now and telling ’em to pray w/me. The other kids in the room got out of bed & surrounded me & this child. Next, another ‘voice’ comes out of me & it’s name is Janet (a small child with long dark/almost black hair) who is always so tearful. She sat there in front of those kids and wept in her sheepish voice she told her story. That was QUICKLY followed up by Candi [needless to say] ::ugh:: she was the airhead that had no clue of anything going on….it was great. Just recently I’ve been able to place that mean one’s name “violet” you’ll see me write about her or w/her….but that has always been my fear w/out delving any further is that I really am crazier than those around me really realize. I am of no harm to myself or those around me but the horrors that haunt my mind and the racing thoughts that intrude my concentration. The “banter” as I’ve always called it has calmed down since they’ve put me on a ‘wicked nasty’ drug 😦 [I admit i’ll miss a dosage so some of my thoughts can come back & I can feel more alive]….Yes, I will get better are feeling more “normal” until then I will venture to find myself………not sure which is the RIGHT way.
But I’m on my way……..<damn feeling very vulnerable right now…should I post???? OMG……>
Pssssttt….yes, therapy and close Dr. supervision is always needed “warning I bite”