Only when you have time for a poorly written/boring book (just long).

It all started at 13 when I was diagnosed with manic depression [much rather it be called manic depression; still, to this day instead of simpleton ‘bipolar’]

There was a time in my life, not sure how long it lasted, that I hated myself. Plain and simple. I did not go around saying, “damn do I hate myself”! No, I was much more sly than that. I would be called out on some very “wrong” behavior (un-medicated) that I knew it was wrong but I had to live a little and not numb myself to everything around me. I have been on a plethora of medications. Some deadened me, numbed me, corrupted my thoughts more so, and or knocked me out.

My medication first started out with antidepressants FAIL [every single one they tried failed]… mood stabilizers and now heavy narcotic with a mood stabilizer and sedative…with occasional tranquilizer for sleep [not really needed anymore]. Since on the narcotic I have not needed sleeping pills. This narcotic calms me down and too much I’m sleeping.

I know at my age & the years of therapy I KNOW I need medication to help keep me “even keel” “balanced” “capable of handling LIFE” needing them to basically function. I’m tired of taking medications everyday so OTHERS can feel that I am normal as they are. Why am I conforming….do I have a choice? I am NOT an outcast….i am a sensitive being. Aren’t we all different and come from totally different bloodlines that just might be passing on our ancestors genetic makeup?

There is the hypochondriac. She absolutely refuses life w/out meds. She swears on them and refuses to give them up for she doesn’t want to slip back into the darkness; only to lose more pieces of herself. Hmm…what if SHE goes POOF <wouldn’t that be nice> most morals & values reside in her….<ebil grin> Wish I could make her go away longer…I’d have more fun! <smirk>

Can’t forget the indecisive one. She’s such a pussy! Always afraid of EVERYTHING …even breathing she’s afraid to lose; again. [her step mother did it for her once, cut off her air] She’s the one who can’t let go. She’s the one that holds on to false hopes and far fetched dreams. She is a scared little child. I’ll give her love when I have time…for now I’m busy. [i’ve tried absolving her; she refused]. I’ve come to ‘accept’ her wussy ways but rarely ever considered in the decisions. ONLY because she can’t make them.

Let us not forget the hate-filled one…the one who hates me for taking meds and succumbing to society standards. She hates me for many things that i’ve done to myself. She feels empowered by her anger. She thrives to banter & bash me because, she too, views me as weak. [she is just as mean as hateful]. The names she’ll call me are much worse than I’ve ever felt.

Then there is the rational one….she’s all for healing the heart and soul of us. She’s very spiritual and strives for a much better frame of mind in life. She has become more persuasive over time. [she is as nice as she is in giving me unconditional love] She scares me. Will she leave me? Will she go away; again. Would I be able to reach her again. Will I get anymore self love? I need her still…very much so!!! So, i’s scared LOL

The angry one gets shoved in the closet (these days) and is no longer allowed out to play. So, I refuse to talk about her much.

Oh, and the naive one…she’s not the sharpest tack. When it comes to decision making she’s all for free love, peace, & harmony. Otherwise, mostly useless because this world will eat her up.

Lastly, the evil one. She’s very persuasive as well because she brings me all the naughty goodie feelers. The feeling of accomplishment after I’ve cut. Atta boys when I do destructive behavior and breaking all rules. I think she’s really the only one who gives me atta boys (haha) just kidding….rational one is usually on the ball & knows i’m a good person inside…and gives me praise …just for breathing sometimes.

I’ll close up for now….wrote you a book….Welcome to a slice of a neurotic mind…..

FYI: if you read me writing “drugs” i’m in reference to my medications.

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