Hello…..Another immensely shitty morning—turning into day. I’m outta this house for the day; soon, so I can feel better. Yes, once again it’s the bf issue. I really don’t think I am designed to be in a relationship. Hardwired to NOT trust anyone anymore. Conditioning as a child is hard to break as an adult. I remember fantasizing as a child of the love and freedom I’ll have when I grow up. Those were my fantasies; As well as a normal family who AT LEAST loved me.
The truth, relationships tend to really hurt me, so it seems, no matter how hard they MIGHT try to understand me….I am not fair to be in a relationship. I believe, I am too mental to handle anything other than me & my son. I really have some relationship issues of my own such as, I’ve stated, trust and love. I need to find those things in myself first and I don’t believe I have. Was this fair to move in together….I’m not so sure. He moved in because he was supporting two houses. It was a huge gesture of love and commitment? Not sure how committed he is when he can lie about the small things like he doesn’t talk to any of his friends. Sadly I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t HIDDEN….texting and hiding the phone?? I talk to people online….mostly support groups; but, still……I talk to friends & i’m not going to deny them UNLESS I was hiding something; am I right? <SIGH> It is what it is …that’s what I have to say!
The really sucky part is that my 14 yr old son is involved. This is the “first” relationship where he has been privy to. I’ve was single, technically, 8 yrs. Been w/him for 2 yrs….looks like this might not continue much longer. I can not take arguing over petty shit. Yesterday it was calling the realtor back about a house we are trying to get and he said, “No, I don’t want to ‘bug’ her.” My response was, “I’ve done this longer than you and typically the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” He argued with me and then I ‘submitted’ in a very sarcastic way….”yes, I’ll bow down to you.” The fight was ON. He brought up my ex-husband saying the same thing,to us, in a nasty email….that I bow down to my b/f. In a way, my ex-husband, is 100% correct because it use to be ONLY my way or fuck off…Not any longer……I am much more submissive….some days it sucks cause I’d really love to be angry and hate-filled but I can not. I am just feeling sad for this relationship and how it’s going.
Granted, trying to move has been very trying and it won’t surprise me if he doesn’t go up north to where his famiy & friends are. If he does he can pack his bags and take all his boxed up stuff & live there….I’ll make my way. I can not afford bills being a single disabled mother…we can’t just barely get by…..we are in negative when it’s just basics like cable water electric garbage phone & internet. Always in the red…….I’ll find a way….even when my “income” is less than ½ and we CAN NOT even afford the basic of water, elec., garbage and rent…..he moved in & has saved my ass from drowning but if he doesn’t leave because he knows I’ll be “fucked” ….I need to tell him that. Yet, I know if I do, the fight will be on….>sigh< I don’t want to be a charity case or controlled cause I do not “contribute” but very minimal to everything to make this house run. Sympathies are not wanted…..equal or nothing at all…..and no feeling sorry because I have very very few friends (i don’t like dragging others into my drama; so, it’s best for me to be a loner.) Plus, feeling sorry for not having any family (my 2 children which have been my guiding light all these years…beacon of hope for a better world by their big hearts and quick wit. I digress…..I do NOT want to be a pity partner…..
I’ll be told it’s my paranoia…..i’m sure…..or my insecurities flaring. You realize how hard it is to swallow that some of what i think is rational & filled w/logical deductioning, is not reality….why must this label of crazy keep me caged?
Peace out people…I’ve taken enough of your time. It’s time for me to go face reality….Much Love & Light