I guess, Happy Easter
(I forgot it was holiday).
I need to talk about something & I hope you don’t mind. From some “sites,” i’ve been on, will clearly title a post:
So….I do that here & now. Those dealing w/issues of the mental health & triggers to episodes…..this writing is about cutting and my experience plus a writing/poem at the end that just popped up.
I am a woman in my 40’s still battling the addiction of cutting. (I do NOT like to call it cutting…it is blood letting to me) Sure, some might think that I’m just trying to soften the blow of what it is I do. I am damaging my temple & ruining the masterpiece that God had created for me. I am also exercising my freedom of choice/will. Who are you to say that cutting (when done discretely & clearly NOT a cry for “help”) is actually ‘wrong’? I don’t do it where others can see & I don’t sport what I’ve done NOR do I tell others [except for my lover & dr’s]. It is my own private ritual that entrances me. It forces me to fade to black & my guttural instincts kick in and my emotional pain is washed away.
I would like to state…..I haven’t cut in over 7 months [time is horrible for me to remember]. Might even be more like a year & ½. I’m still not finished healing. The last one scarred over but it’s still sensitive and cold reactive [turns purple]. The location was a bad spot (by my knee) for it to heal properly and it was probably a ½ inch deep. I should have gone to the ER and received staples (again) but I guess I pleaded & begged not to be taken there for fear of getting locked up. I can see me saying that because it’s true. Biggest fear is being LOCKED UP & last time I was there to be admitted I broke out in such serious hives that I had to be put in the actual hospital part to be given meds through an IV. [end of that story was me sneaking out].
My choice of where I cut is to avoid others from ever seeing UNLESS I was to be “intimate.” As we both know, if you are undressing to be intimate w/someone hopefully you’ve known them long enough to where there wouldn’t be any surprises when the horrible scars are seen/felt. The only other time is when I’m in swimsuit or shorts. Yes, limits my choices of wear when I go to certain places. It has always felt worth it in the end.
Cutting is very intimate to me. It is so out of mainstream; it is considered sick. Did you know they use to do blood letting in many different cultures? A form of medical treatment for diseases and mental “inflictions”[ i’m sure was a word used then. LOL] I’m NOT saying they are right or that it even worked…..but….. just maybe they had the right idea….time to bleed out some of that bad blood.
Cutting is my pleasure
Pain to pleasure gained
Releasing all my disdain
Ever so slowly did it start to trickle
Ever so weakly did it start to dribble
Ever so memorizing did it start to stream
Slick & shiny it slides down my thigh
Blood of life to be let; for sins kept
Let the tears flow for the pain in tow
Vacant be my heart; hollowed
Vacant be my reality; emptied
Vacant be my spirit; voided
Life spilled to the floor
My blood, I can give nothing more
Sacrificing myself for my mental health
Self-less was the act
Self-ish is what they ask
Self-preservation is the act
Sweet callings of my name
Straining my soul just the same
Making me feel shame & blame for this game
Remains of pain; abolished
Remains of disdain; detained
Remains of self; well health
Rebuking any shame
For it’s the pain I’ve overcame
I will not harbor or accept the blame
Dead is the void in my heart
Dead is the pain in my reality
Dead is the evil to claim my life
Ashes to ashes…
we are but the aftermath of our internal raging inferno
I’ll close for now….feeling a bit drained…..HAPPY EASTER!
Thank you for coming by & letting me share a slice of me w/you!