Dear, you know who you are…
Last to hear,” I didn’t know the whole story.’ That’s the last I’ve heard. Those are words I’m use to hearing. When living w/a mental disorder a lot of things get said & done that would make a “normal” person cock their head in bewilderment. “What do you mean, -you didn’t know the whole story-….what does that mean”? Does it now mean that since I have exposed the fact that I have a mental disorder we can no longer be friends? The hardships, trials & tribulations that I’ve been overcoming & conquering are of not your concern. (They never were brought to you). Now that I’m letting the ‘cat outta the bag’ [my diagnosis I’ve had my whole life] I’m watching people slowly shift.
Looks only go so far. Sure, you bet your sweet ass, that I do my best to cover my differences “disorders”. I don’t know one person w/any infliction that wants to be pointed out on the street. Don’t blame me that I am not running around like the town crier exclaiming my issues and trying to run around saving everyone from themselves. I want to be seen as “normal”…some people love to stand out….more power to them. I have a little envy because, yes, I’ve hid myself because of how different I’ve ALWAYS felt. I have always had a lack of self-worth. Losing friends doesn’t help (hurts anyone to lose one you care about).
I’ve never made friends easily. I saw you as very special to me….a little more history: Back in ’97 AOL came around. Later (much) myspace came around & I started blogging my “poems”. Now, I do more blogging about myself & poems are typically associate to my life in one fashion or another. What I was getting at, is that online made it much easier for me to communicate with others. I had the false protection of anonymity and the quick escape (close) if my anxiety flares up or episode comes on; I was able to just “leave.”
Can’t do that in RL (real life, as it use to be called).
You’ve known I have VERY few (like 2) in RL friends and they are extremely patient w/me. They are a blessing…..and I wish sometimes I could be a better friend & not disappear once in awhile into my womb (room). Nothing can hurt me there; so, of course it is my space to LOVE. It’s my haven from the crazy world & a place I can let my crazy OUT w/out fear of immediate judgment …..I love myself…..I just don’t think others will ever “fully” love me….and you are another example of what happens to relationships (friendships) when mental health is brought up, there is still a huge stigma out there and I only perpetuate it by hiding my own (or trying to). The more I expose myself “here” the more open I seem to becoming in RL or RT (real time, another old saying). You, as well, perpetuate the stigma by fading into the black from me.
Please tell me it was just coincidence when we stopped trying to reach out anymore…..that you’ve found someone lovely in your life to share your time with.
I will miss you ……sorry it seems my ‘mental health’ has yet pushed another person away…it is what it is….
I do love you ….you were a very close & fun friend. You will be missed….