Hi, I’m having a hard time you guys……
I wish I could convey what it feels like right now…..I’m going
to see what it is I can share.
I’ve been hanging in a (semi) depression. Dysphoria? My past keeps flashing before me. I look at my best friend/Lover and I am instantly upset. Either angry or crying….it’s getting very old and annoying. Alone, I am quiet and I have the flashes of my past but no one to shed that pain onto. I dislike shedding pain onto anyone…it hurts more when they walk away. I, am, very vulnerable with my heart and mind not ‘quite’ right. I don’t feel as to be weaker or lesser or even denote myself. I face reality; I’ve watched my actions & choices throughout the years & that is the logical deduction’ing. <smirk> Logic! What a painful topic for me, just the same, so are most all topics for me; right now.
I bow down & digress, I say a mild depression/semi because around my kids & friends (the few I have) I can “play face” it’s a HARD chore to do but the last thing I want to do is shed onto my children the pain they do not deserve nor see their mothers own termoil. I’m sure …..i probably don’t hide it as well as I think I do. Needless to say, I am able to keep composure still. That’s how I know (even though it feel just as painful) it’s a mild depression/semi. I almost feel like I might need a “short stay” and maybe adjust my meds or some proactive therapy. IDK, last time I broke out in horrific hives (when i went to go for a ‘stay’). They were the size of 1/2 dollars & larger. OH, another time my ex kept trying to remove me when I wasn’t feeling safe after I got corded stitches (about 30 ). It felt worse because I had now run out of room on one thigh & had moved to the other & I had always told myself if I ever did that I needed to be in intense therapy again. I am logically crazy?
HELL, I hate when I “share” so much. (as my crazy-self, I call the times of sharing too much Julie. I truly hate for a spell and either delete these blogs or say the hell w/it and let others view my crazy world…if they are bored enough to read this dribble.
Right now, I am also quick to temper and want coddled at the same time but I will not allow anyone to get close enough to me. <sigh>
It feels like I am splitting in half. I am starting to not trust myself & no self….ya…..I’ll work through it til tomorrow…therapy & a call in to my shrink.
For ANYONE that reads this that is of ‘relations’ to me…Let me say I’m sorry….I apologize for my erratic tears and my explosive snappiness. I apologize from the top of my heart (for the bottom of my heart sits this black ooze) I really hurt knowing there are those in my life that have seen me covered in blood begging for a pain free moment (of the emotional realm; that is). That is why I ‘try’ to push away …I do not want others to remotely feel the pain I endure (so it seems and I just wish it away) and I KNOW being around me causes great pain on them for they love a woman who can’t even love herself because she’s never felt “whole” always split, divided, consciousness’s & morals/values that differ so drastically….is it my own voices or has everyone been lying to me?? Ugh, my heart bleeds for those that have watched over me for 2-3 days, after cutting, for I would completely disassociated.
The hardest part is knowing just how sick you are…….Much Love to you…..
Julie, Candee, Violet, ……Rose