I had an epiphany last night.
I, like many, internalize my pain to the point of no return. What I mean by that is, I’m a cutter and it will hit me out of left field. I never have a forewarning; so it seems, of when I’m going to “snap” and end up on the bathroom floor w/blood pooled around me. I also disassociate when it actually happens. What does THAT mean; you wonder? The person that I’m known to be takes a vacation for a few days [my recollection is always hazy & in & out]. The older I’ve become & the more “healthy” relationships I have built and exiled toxic people; my self harm has not been SO bad. I have only cut approximately 3x’s in 3 yrs. I did need staples for two times and stitches for the other time. The severity of my cuts are awful. It takes me months to heal from them. They are a clear reminder with each step of pain & then the horrible scars left behind.
I digress, the epiphany I had was about WHY I cut. Let me make a few things clear:
I do NOT do it to die!
I do NOT do it to get sympathy (undisclosed area to NOT be seen).
I do NOT do it for attention!
I do NOT do it for anything other than PUNISHING MYSELF!
I, almost obviously, have had a traumatic childhood (who hasn’t). The severity doesn’t matter.….abuse is abuse….some is physical, some deal with sexual, & some suffer from emotional. Some are lucky like me & win all three.
What I’m trying to spit out here is the fact that I do NOT think I’m worthy of love, compassion, care.…ect. Whatever you want to call it.… my self love is next to NIL and (this is all assumption…) when I feel I have failed (one time I cut “nothing” was going on in my life to have triggered such an event to follow) I turn on myself and “punish” myself for being so stupid, weak, & meek (naive) . I walk away from the situation (disassociate) and come back 2-3 days later with this horrible pain and emotional crap that piles on top of the ramifications of self mutilation. I NEED to stop believing myself to be a “bad” “unworthy” “unlovable” woman. I NEED to stop punishing myself…..it’s OKAY to not be perfect…….it’s not okay to purposefully make those imperfections.
Susan, a foul woman, still lives in my head.…..abusers either walk away or are locked away.….yet, the victim is trapped in a perpetual mental hell. A personal prison if you will, with the words that make the cage and fear to keep down the rage. We tend to be reflections of what we use to be. Ripples in water that never really wash away.