I put down my straightener & pause. I have lost a revelation. I am clueless in an epiphany that just came to me. Why? I have many times where very important keys to how to overcome some of my
….Oh, I know now….I’ve always said I have a certain naivety to me that I’ve never been able to rid myself of. AH~HA moment came to me….it is NOT a naivety it is a fear of sharing knowledge that I’ve learned. It is the severity of lack of self confidence! I do NOT want to be seen as someone who KNOWS ALL.. I do not want to be responsible for those that take my word like gospel & have negative outcomes 😦 Free will, YES; yet if my voice had NOT chimed in their ear then those ideas would not have entered their reality. Damage I’ve always been scared of ME influencing others….far from those that manipulate….the desire to not cause pain. The concept that everything has a consequence to all actions. Consequences aren’t always a negative thing but positive as well when good deeds are done; for example.
I have a very hard time accepting I am sick/different/have an illness/emotional chaos. I am smart enough to know I’m mental? WTF?? I SEE what I do as wrong and don’t always SEE it right then. I want to say there is NO excuse for my actions there is only ME to hold accountable! I am also doing exposure therapy on my own. Proactive in my ‘stabilization’ again…..sucks having emotions that will take over every piece of your being. I still have all the random thoughts/constant quarrels/constant shift in my morals values & concept of life. I wish I could explain it better….a lot of the time I feel lost in myself & I need to stop!
My relationships are harder than hell…….for my children and boyfriend. Boyfriend & I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. The first year was the most fun & most painful. He has never been around anyone that lives w/a mental disorder, let alone anyone who did self mutilation (cutting). SIGH~ At 44 who’s to understand me when I don’t even have a clue.
I’ll close for now….feeling drained…..much love & light~~~~