4am and no sleep hath come a’callin 😦
I talk A LOT, to those I am the closest with. I think a part of that deals w/the feeling of being unheard; for so many years. I also believe it’s because there are so few people that I ‘connect’ with that when that does happen I want to squeeze in every little thing before that clock runs out. (when fearing the ending you miss the best part; the beginning!)

I have been told, my whole life, to LISTEN. As much as I’ve heard it… I do believe I might be deaf! I try to be a very “give and take” conversationalist….yet, ms chatty cathy blabbers right on & @ times I have to reel in the dribble & stop to LISTEN. It is about LISTENING & being QUIET….still, u know, just being in the moment. Absorbing what is around you & making sure it’s of the positive nature.(learning)

PTSD is a hinder when it comes to being in the moment and in meditation as well …my racing thoughts never do help either. When I do ‘not’ take one of my medications my mind races faster & the ability to keep one steady stream (of thought) is next to impossible & I want to break down and cry sometimes when I’m ‘around others‘ that are bound to notice that about me & wonder “what’s wrong w/her……”?

I also have a very very bad habit of blurting out my disorders as in explanation of what someone might be experiencing w/me. Like some even give a rats ass because maybe I never see them again (just talking strictly friends). Plus, I am famous for “talking” for other people…assuming what they are feeling and or thinking. I am pretty self absorbed (sickening) & next to always pick the answers/assumptions of the negative in nature….not only do I think it but tend to say it out loud and it’s very annoying to hear myself be so negative & if they didn’t hear it I wouldn’t have brought any of it to light/attention. Vicious cycle when I get irritated so easily 😦

;:::holds head in shame::: I need to crawl out of myself before I go crazy!

Advertisements